Sorry, I’m Not Buying Dakota Johnson Starring in a Three-Way Romcom

This week, paparazzi caught Dakota Johnson and Pedro Pascal smooching on a New York City sidewalk. No, there’s nothing nefarious going on: The former is still engaged to Chris Martin and the latter is still engaged to me in my mind. The pair are just filming a movie and not just any movie but a Celine Song romcom.

On Wednesday, photos of the actors shooting a scene for the director’s next project, Materialists, in Tribeca went viral. According to the IMDB page for the movie, the premise goes like this: “A matchmaker’s lucrative business gets complicated when she falls into a toxic love triangle that threatens her clients.” Johnson, of course, is the matchmaker while Pascal and Chris Evans are the two other hot points in the triangle.

Last week, Johnson was photographed ripping cigs and, once again, making out with Evans on the sidewalk. Frankly, it hurts to see others living your dream. Especially when, forgive me but I’m not certain Johnson is all that capable of chemistry with anyone…except for maybe Ellen DeGeneres that one time but only in the most chaotic (and captivating) of confrontations kind of way. And, while we’re being honest here, she doesn’t look like she’s having nearly enough fun considering she’s in the arms of two of Hollywood’s most lusted-over leading men.

Frankly, I’m not surprised by the apparent lack of enthusiasm. Lest you already forgot, Johnson’s performance in her last film, Madame Web, was called “subpar,” among many other very mean adjectives by critics. Granted, most of the backlash was justified—it was really bad. In fact, her acting—from annoyed to ever so slightly aggressive—throughout the film’s press tour was more lauded.

But hey, what do I know? I’m no thespian and I get it’s technically labor but if I were cast as the protagonist in a film in which I was tasked with kissing two heartthrobs a few times I’d probably be able to access a level of charisma I’m not usually acquainted with. Even still, I’ve seen the Fifty Shades franchise and…if you don’t have sellable sexual chemistry with Jamie Dornan, well, I’m of the mind you should try a sexless sci-fi thriller or something.

Anyway! See you there on opening weekend, probably.