10 Things Besides Zygotes That Should Also Be Declared 'Persons'


Today, Mississippi’s voters weigh in on Initiative 26, the “Personhood” Amendment. If enacted, it will declare that a zygote is a “person” from the moment of fertilization and that all forms of abortion are illegal. In addition, some birth control and IVF practices will be outlawed. As unfathomably dimwitted as it sounds, a recent poll shows a deadlock among the electorate — 45% of Mississippians say they support Personhood with 44% opposing and 11% undecided (Mississippi: The Science State). We kind of like this whole idea of making it illegal to mess with things by virtue of the fact that we have amended the constitution to declare them “persons.” What else, besides featureless clusters of cells, deserves the same protection as grown ass humans?

  • Unexploded explodables
    Look, we’re not going to end violence and terrorism in our lifetimes. But what we can do is declare that all bombs are persons with feelings and rights who above all don’t want to be blown up in a dumpster outside of an abortion clinic.
  • Baby ducks
    It should be just as illegal to hit baby ducks with your cars as it is to hit baby humans with your car. No one minds a traffic jam if it is engineered by a couple of caring citizens determined to make sure a little parade of fluffy yellow quackers get to safety. Haven’t you ever read a Robert McCloskey book?
  • American flags
    If we declare American flags to be “persons,” flag burning will no longer be up for debate and we can move on to important topics such as Top Chef.
  • The word “festoon”
    Because it is perfect, and must be preserved and cherished. In fact, everyone should be required to feature the word “festoon” in their annual Christmas letter.
  • Toenails, hair, and fingernails
    Precious human tissue, though it will never be a fully realized human, deserves dignity and respect. Haircutting, nail filing, and toenail clipping is tantamount to assault and battery. Let’s give a voice to the voiceless and say this so-called “personal grooming” will not stand in a civilized society. Fingernails want to be attached to you. Let them.
  • Print magazines
    This will justify that weird stack of spent magazines that everyone keeps around their houses for no reason.
  • Dogs that weigh more than 60 lbs
    Too long have the sweatshirt needs of Great Danes been ignored by a cruel society. If giant dogs are people, too, then maybe we’ll finally start dressing them in hilarious clothes. What America needs is more dogs in hoodies.
  • State Constitutions
    Lawmakers with no medical training routinely and cavalierly suggest butchering state constitutions just to try to score political points with their party base. Enough! State Constitutions are living, breathing documents who lack the capacity to consent to amendments and thus should not be forcibly amended against their will.
  • Jean jackets
    Cutoff vests, Misfits button and stud covered eyesores, Bedazzling- nothing good comes of altering a jean jacket. Americans should trust in God and Levi Strauss enough to believe that They know what is best.
  • Baseball cards
    Because you’re still so mad at your parents for throwing your shoeboxes full of Topps brand cards away.
  • Women
    Nah, that’s silly. That’ll never happen.

Poll: Personhood a toss-up in Mississippi [Politico]

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