100 Things Better Than Eating Cottage Cheese
Saturday Night Social: This list includes eating an entire raw onion, getting a charley horse in the middle of the night, and being hit by a truck.
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Welcome back to Saturday Night Social.
In no particular order…
1. Eating moldy bread.
2. Stubbing your toe.
3. A tuna sub from a gas station in Ohio.
4. Food poisoning from the tuna sub from the gas station in Ohio.
5. Watching the Melania documentary.
6. A packed train at rush hour.
7. A warm beer.
8. Mononucleosis.
9. Anchovies.
10. Accidentally getting an entire tray of mimosas spilled on you at a restaurant.
11. Accidentally spilling an entire tray of mimosas on a man at your restaurant job. (Don’t ask me how I know what that feels like.)
12. Small talk at your mom’s cousin’s wedding and/or funeral.
13. Listening to Machine Gun Kelly.
14. Listening to Korn.
15. Listening to Kid Rock (this is the only one that’s debatable).
16. Going for an evening jaunt through Times Square.
17. A handful of Benadryl.
18. Accidentally sending a shady text to the person it was about.
19. Uncovering a mystery in your small town.
20. Watching all the Fast and the Furious movies against your will.
21. Watching all the Marvel movies against your will.
22. Meeting your sleep paralysis demon.
23. Having an Android.
24. Breaking a finger.
25. Breaking a rib.
26. Breaking your neck.
27. Finding out that a celebrity you like is a Republican.
28. A gnat flying up your nose.
29. A spider crawling into your mouth.
30. A fight to the death with 1,000 rats.
31. Finding out about another snowstorm happening this weekend…
32. Someone you knew in a past life is viewing your LinkedIn profile!
33. The weird little end part of a banana.
34. Paying $9 for a matcha latte.
35. Getting punched in the stomach.
36. Holding in your pee on a long road trip.
37. …a U.T.I.
38. Waiting for an hour in the Taco Bell parking lot at 2 a.m.
39. Situationships.
40. Making plans in a 10-person group chat.
41. Private Equity.
42. A big glass of SEED OIL.
43. A friend’s open mic night. (Haha, just kidding, I have so much fun going to these, I swear…)
44. A Little Caesars $5 Hot ‘n Ready Pizza.
45. An entire thing of boxed Barefoot rosé.
46. A Little Caesars $5 Hot ‘n Ready Pizza and an entire thing of boxed Barefoot rosé at the same time.
47. P.M.S.
48. Looking for parking when you’re already kind of annoyed.
49. Enjoying a large plate of forever chemicals.
50. Losing your keys.
51. Losing your wallet.
52. Losing your mind.
53. Doomscrolling.
54. Renewing your license (and hating your photo, obviously).
55. Another U.T.I.
56. Cats (2019).
57. When Dunkin makes your coffee different from how they usually do.
58. Joining a cult (cottage cheese-eaters are in their own cult).
59. Newark International Airport.
60. Not getting what you wanted at the salon after sitting in the chair for three hours.
61. The return-to-office mandate.
62. The sound of a titanium water bottle falling on the ground.
63. Watching all the YouTube shorts your uncle sent you about seed oils.
64. Starting a salacious rumor…
65. And living with the guilt for the rest of your life!!!
66. Malört.
67. Eating an entire raw onion.
68. Chipping your tooth.
69. Stepping into something wet after putting on fresh socks.
70. A donut from Speedway.
71. Getting abducted by aliens.
72. The caffeinated lemonade from Panera that kills you.
73. Daylight savings.
74. A Whole Foods green juice (what are they putting in there???).
75. Running into someone you kind of know.
76. Going on a Tinder date and coming to the realization that you might not ever find love.
77…and they chew with their mouth open.
78. Sardine pizza.
79. Liver Pâté
80. Cilantro (if you have the soap gene).
81. Walking behind a crew of slow walkers.
82. Accepting cookies on every website forever.
83. A charley horse in the middle of the night.
84. Having an itch at the bottom of your foot.
85. Networking.
86. Receiving an email about gut-healthy recipes.
87. Receiving any email.
88. When someone coughs in your direction.
89. Tequila espresso martinis (gross, but still better than cottage cheese).
90. Getting hit by a truck.
91. Protein pasta.
92. Trauma (capital T).
93. Asbestos sandwich.
94. A pap smear.
95. Night terrors.
96. Dr. Pimple Popper.
97. Throwing up in a porta-potty.
98. Throwing up in an Uber.
99. Throwing up because you remembered the tuna sub from earlier.
2. Stubbing your toe.
3. A tuna sub from a gas station in Ohio.
4. Food poisoning from the tuna sub from the gas station in Ohio.
5. Watching the Melania documentary.
6. A packed train at rush hour.
7. A warm beer.
8. Mononucleosis.
9. Anchovies.
10. Accidentally getting an entire tray of mimosas spilled on you at a restaurant.
11. Accidentally spilling an entire tray of mimosas on a man at your restaurant job. (Don’t ask me how I know what that feels like.)
12. Small talk at your mom’s cousin’s wedding and/or funeral.
13. Listening to Machine Gun Kelly.
14. Listening to Korn.
15. Listening to Kid Rock (this is the only one that’s debatable).
16. Going for an evening jaunt through Times Square.
17. A handful of Benadryl.
18. Accidentally sending a shady text to the person it was about.
19. Uncovering a mystery in your small town.
20. Watching all the Fast and the Furious movies against your will.
21. Watching all the Marvel movies against your will.
22. Meeting your sleep paralysis demon.
23. Having an Android.
24. Breaking a finger.
25. Breaking a rib.
26. Breaking your neck.
27. Finding out that a celebrity you like is a Republican.
28. A gnat flying up your nose.
29. A spider crawling into your mouth.
30. A fight to the death with 1,000 rats.
31. Finding out about another snowstorm happening this weekend…
32. Someone you knew in a past life is viewing your LinkedIn profile!
33. The weird little end part of a banana.
34. Paying $9 for a matcha latte.
35. Getting punched in the stomach.
36. Holding in your pee on a long road trip.
37. …a U.T.I.
38. Waiting for an hour in the Taco Bell parking lot at 2 a.m.
39. Situationships.
40. Making plans in a 10-person group chat.
41. Private Equity.
42. A big glass of SEED OIL.
43. A friend’s open mic night. (Haha, just kidding, I have so much fun going to these, I swear…)
44. A Little Caesars $5 Hot ‘n Ready Pizza.
45. An entire thing of boxed Barefoot rosé.
46. A Little Caesars $5 Hot ‘n Ready Pizza and an entire thing of boxed Barefoot rosé at the same time.
47. P.M.S.
48. Looking for parking when you’re already kind of annoyed.
49. Enjoying a large plate of forever chemicals.
50. Losing your keys.
51. Losing your wallet.
52. Losing your mind.
53. Doomscrolling.
54. Renewing your license (and hating your photo, obviously).
55. Another U.T.I.
56. Cats (2019).
57. When Dunkin makes your coffee different from how they usually do.
58. Joining a cult (cottage cheese-eaters are in their own cult).
59. Newark International Airport.
60. Not getting what you wanted at the salon after sitting in the chair for three hours.
61. The return-to-office mandate.
62. The sound of a titanium water bottle falling on the ground.
63. Watching all the YouTube shorts your uncle sent you about seed oils.
64. Starting a salacious rumor…
65. And living with the guilt for the rest of your life!!!
66. Malört.
67. Eating an entire raw onion.
68. Chipping your tooth.
69. Stepping into something wet after putting on fresh socks.
70. A donut from Speedway.
71. Getting abducted by aliens.
72. The caffeinated lemonade from Panera that kills you.
73. Daylight savings.
74. A Whole Foods green juice (what are they putting in there???).
75. Running into someone you kind of know.
76. Going on a Tinder date and coming to the realization that you might not ever find love.
77…and they chew with their mouth open.
78. Sardine pizza.
79. Liver Pâté
80. Cilantro (if you have the soap gene).
81. Walking behind a crew of slow walkers.
82. Accepting cookies on every website forever.
83. A charley horse in the middle of the night.
84. Having an itch at the bottom of your foot.
85. Networking.
86. Receiving an email about gut-healthy recipes.
87. Receiving any email.
88. When someone coughs in your direction.
89. Tequila espresso martinis (gross, but still better than cottage cheese).
90. Getting hit by a truck.
91. Protein pasta.
92. Trauma (capital T).
93. Asbestos sandwich.
94. A pap smear.
95. Night terrors.
96. Dr. Pimple Popper.
97. Throwing up in a porta-potty.
98. Throwing up in an Uber.
99. Throwing up because you remembered the tuna sub from earlier.
and…
I don’t care how bad life gets. I’m not eating cottage cheese.
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