A Bride-to-Be Drafts the ‘About The Couple’ Page of Her Wedding Site

Draft 1, 4:00 PM

About the Couple: Mark and Kendra were just two single twentysomethings following their dreams in New York City. Then on January 8th, 2011 a chance encounter at a local watering hole brought them together and they’ve been a couple ever since. Mark is an industrial engineer and Kendra is a nursing student. They live together with their dog, Patsy, in Park Slope. But of course you already know all this since you’re invited to their wedding 😉

Draft 2, 4:36 PM

About the Couple: How does one sum up Mark and Kendra? Mark is an industrial engineer but he’s so much more: a best friend, an omelet maker, a dog walker even in the rain, a lover of pink shirts. Kendra is a woman, a nurse, a sucker for Anne Hathaway movies, a lover of dark chocolate and good wine. They’re so lucky to have found one another. They live in Park Slope with their wonderfully silly dog Patsy.

Draft 3, 7:50 PM

About the Couple: Mark’s a boy and Kendra’s a girl. They got drunk, put their privates together, got along well enough, moved in together, and are now getting married because they’re both almost 30. To be honest, getting a dog together was a WAY bigger commitment than this whole wedding thing. Like it kinda freaked Kendra out for a bit and they almost broke up, and then Mark freaked out that Kendra was so freaked out and they had a huge fight. But they worked it out and now that feels so long ago. They live in Park Slope.

Draft 4, 10:18 PM

About the Couple: Mark and Kendra are two human beings who found themselves adrift in the bustling metropolis of Manhattan seeking Another Soul to call home. It was an average night when they caught eyes across the dark, candlelit tables of some new speakeasy (HAHA who can keep track?), and after a few rosemary-infused vodka cocktails and hours of sprawling conversation that touched upon everything from philosophy to spirituality to Motherhood and beyond, it was apparent that they had found their Other. They can’t help but feel that a Greater Being played a role in their chance encounter. They live and love together with their dog Patsy in Park Slope.

Draft 5, 12:31 AM

About the Couple: Mark and Kendra are two people who are getting married and they’re NOT going to apologize for it! They can feel their friends inwardly rolling their eyes every time they talk about their wedding and guess what? It’s going to be traditional, she’s going to wear white, they’re going to write their own vows and cry and cut a cake and you’ll all fucking like it! So why don’t you just shut up and click the convenient link below and buy us some shit we want at Crate & Barrel and in exchange you can enjoy a FREE THREE COURSE MEAL AND FIVE HOUR OPEN BAR, YOU DICKS!!!!! They live in Park Slope with their dog Patsy who is way better behaved that most of your goddamn kids.

Draft 6, 12:40 AM

About the Couple: Mark and Kendra are two bad little feminists who are perpetuating the patriarchal and outdated tradition that is the modern American wedding. They’re spending theirs and their parents’ life savings on a big party instead of stashing that money away for something more practical, like a house or grad school or a baby or a car or just a really great vacation and they hope you’ll attend even though it would save them a lot of money if you didn’t. It’s like $175 a head, seriously. They live in Park Slope in a one bedroom for $3,100 a month with their dog, Patsy, who they found out has diabetes and they have to spend $700 a month on dog medicine for that now. They hope you will attend their wedding and spend roughly $100-$200 on a gift, $300 on the hotel, and up to $500 on the flight since we’re getting married Memorial Day weekend which is a really popular travel time. OH GOD

Draft 7, 1:38 AM

About the Couple: Mark and Kendra are FAAAAART FART FARTTT FAAAAAAAARRRTTT we shoulda elooooooppppeeddddd I love WINE

Draft 8, 11:08 AM

About the Couple: Mark and Kendra live in New York City. They met at a bar in January of 2011 and have been dating ever since. Mark is an industrial engineer and Kendra is a nursing student. They live together with their dog, Patsy, in Park Slope. They love each other and have put a lot of time and thought into this decision. They can’t wait to celebrate with you on their big day!

Image via Shutterstock.

Laura is a writer/actress/improviser living in New York City. She performs weekly at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and has appeared on MTV’s Hey Girl, Comedy Central’s Inside Amy Schumer, and has written for Girl Code, Cosmopolitan, The Date Report, and Nerve. She does all her tweeting via @Laura_Willcox on Twitter.com.

This is I Thee Dread, Jezebel’s website devoted to all manners of nonsense pertaining to the wedding industrial complex. Got something worth sharing? Email us. Horror stories welcome.

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