A Really Real Interview With Real Ryan Gosling

“Borderline journalist” Tom Kummer managed to sell numerous entirely made-up celebrity interviews until he was caught in 2000. However, we at Jezebel only publish extremely real interviews, so here is an interview with Ryan Gosling.

According to the Guardian, Kummer had Mike Tyson talk about Nietzsche and eating cockroaches, Pamela Anderson discuss Neuromancer, and Bruce Willis say some boring stuff about morality. However, since I have the highest journalistic standards, I went to really real Los Angeles and really interviewed Ryan Gosling. Here is a transcript:

Anna: Hello Real Ryan Gosling, thank you for talking to me. You are very handsome!

Real Ryan Gosling: This is a false face.

A: Sorry?

RRG: The visage before you is only the manifestation of my appearance in your puny world. My real face is eighty feet tall and covered with small lasers.

A: Okay! What is your favorite part of acting?

RRG: It allows me to get close to the rich and powerful people of your country, that I may better overthrow them.

A: Wow! You are ambitious. Can you tell me if you are really dating Olivia Wilde?

RRG: I sucked out her internal organs and filled her husk with my spawn.

A: Phew! Is it getting hot in here? Just kidding! What was it like to make Blue Valentine?

RRG: The backwards structure was a primitive version of the time travel we use on my home world. I found it amusing.

A: Wow, me too! Okay, last question: what do you do when you are not making movies?

RRG: I seduce Earth women using very simple subterfuge, and then I eat their organs. For example, would you like to come back to my Spaceship of Death for some neurotoxic sedative — I mean hot chocolate?

A: Why sure, Real Ryan Gosling! What lady could say no to a sexy and polite man like you?

At the end of this really real interview, I died. However, I was still able to transcribe the interview because it was that real.

Journalist Who Faked Celebrity Scoops Stars In Film About His Life And Lies [Guardian]