A Red Carpet As Glorious As It Is Odious


The stars of our boob tubes and silver screens got gussied up last night in LA for the Trevor Project, an organization that provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention for LGBT youth. As for the red carpet? It was…interesting.

Let’s sum this up in three capital letters, shall we? WTF. Miss Fergalicious is wearing holiday wrapping paper with muppet hair for sleeves. Her shoes are cute (although it pains me to look at the way she’s arching her feet), and they would have looked nice with a less tacky dress. Also, STOP MAKING SEXYSMOULDERFIERCE FACE.

WTF, Part Deux. Okay, let’s start with the positive: LeAnn Rimes has very shiny, bouncy, healthy-looking hair. Okay, done with positives. She’s wearing a billowing sheet in crayola green and earrings that look straight outta Claire’s Accessories, and big ol’ open-toed, suede clompers with a freaking bow. How can I put a positive spin on that?

Zoe, Zoe, Zoe: you give so much. While everyone else is tromping around in silly putty, neutral pumps, or boring black stilettos, you show up in a pair of flirty ankle-strap shoes with a sheer panel to reveal some ever-appreciated toe cleavage. When other celebrities try to wear an unusual print (see: Fergie) or dabble in color (see: LeAnn Rimes), it can be disastrous, but when you do it, you look so cute and polished and fun and daring that I can’t help but think it must be a lot of fun to go shopping with you. Call me?

I love how Kat Dennings can simultaneously pull off the delicate-English-rose thing and the saucy-ingenue-who-talks-back thing. Maybe I am blinded by my love for her (not watching 2 Broke Girls helps to keep this love alive), because while her outfit seems a little bit Urban Outfitters/H&M (just like us commoners, but not on the red carpet), but I think she looks really comfortable and pretty. And gosh, that shade of pink lipstick is just perfect.

Amber Heard knows what looks good on her: glamorous, retro-throwback dresses with nipped-in waists in a solid color. I love how clean this dress looks from the front and then when she turns around, you see just a hint of frip-frappery going on. It looks like the dress might be an inch too long for her, but otherwise she nailed every single detail of this look, from the tousled updo to the smokey eye makeup to those bad-ass earrings.

Rashida Jones wasted her fiercer than fierce shoes — this, folks, is how to wear beige! — on a dowdy dress with a bad print and a dust ruffle tacked to the bottom. Jayma Mays’ grey sheath dress looks both heavy and unstructured, and the sequins along the shoulders seem like a total afterthought.

Usually, a tight leather dress inspires a “damn, girl” reaction, but this time, Julie Bowen’s outfit provokes ambivalence. I appreciate that Christina Hendricks dressed for the holidays with her sequined cardigan and deep red pencil skirt, but I can’t help but think there’s just a bit too much red on her. Also, her shoes make everything look a touch on the dowdy side. Julianne Hough is always wearing so much makeup. Her wiggle dress is unoriginal and inoffensive. Her whole look lacks freshness, which should come easily for a beautiful, young Hollywood celebrity, no? (Also, blame Getty images for making Christine Hendricks look like a giant and Julie Bowen like a tiny miniature.)

Here we have two examples of the little black dress that couldn’t. Dianna Agron’s dress looks both childish and dumpy. The drape on the skirt is super weird and unflattering. Beth Behrs dress incorporates two design elements that can go awry quite easily: the Wilma Flintstone one-shoulder and the tulip skirt. At least, both girls put a lot of thought into what shoes to pair with their totally unexciting black dress! Um, just kidding.

Will Arnett and Amy Poehler are, hands down, one of my favorite couples in comedy. Amy is glowing and her hubby is in mid-douche face, which, coming from him, is totally endearing. I might be alone on this, but I really dig the burgundy (or dark brown?) sateen suit Darren Criss is wearing. And although it’s a bit Phantom of the Opera meets Austin Powers, I also really love David Furnish’s blue velvet jacket.

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