All Rise for the Jezebel National Anthem

By Maria Sherman | December 20, 2019 | 10:30pm

Entertainment Music

WHERE IS IT???? (Yeah): Full Tac, “Where’s My Juul??” – I, Ashley Reese, do not Juul. In fact, I’m convinced half my generation will be walking around with Juul lung in 20 years or something and we’ll all look back at this cultural moment like, “What the absolute fuck were we thinking, lads?” But hey, my comrades at Jezebel Juul up a storm, so it is them who I have in mind (fondly) as I play “Where’s My Juul???” on loop. I stumbled upon a teaser of this track a few weeks ago and became obsessed with how deranged it was. So I was delighted to see that it finally dropped in its full 1 minute and 47-second glory. I have no idea who Lil Mariko is, but she plays an excellent crazed Juul fiend in this music video and her screaming is artful. Also, the beat slaps, but you get more out of it when you set the playback speed to 1.25. Give it a whirl, you won’t regret it. —Ashley Reese

It’s cute!: Harry Style, “Juice” (Lizzo Cover) – I’m absolutely in the minority at Jezebel when I say I adored Harry Styles’s cover of “Juice”—it’s not as good as the original, obviously, but it is unmistakably cheery. He’s having so much fun singing this song because it is such a fun song to sing! I enjoyed it thoroughly; so sue me! —Maria Sherman

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Hell yeah: BABYMETAL feat. Tak Matsumoto, “DA DA DANCE” (music video) – The best live show I saw this year was undoubtedly BABYMETAL—there’s no more joyful experience than watching the kawaii-metal trio absolutely melt heads through heavy riffs and impossibly precise choreography. The music video for their single “DA DA DANCE” captures some of that excitement. I will never get to live inside of a video game, but the sensation this elicits inside me feels pretty dang close. —MS

Yes: Patio, “Reality State” – Most good New York indie rock bands have left this city that looks increasingly more like a giant strip mall for greener (i.e., more affordable) pastures, and I cannot blame them. However, that only makes me feel especially appreciative of those who elect to suffer alongside me and my fellow residents. Such is the case for the ever-excellent post-punk group Patio. Their latest, a leftover track from their debut LP called “Reality State” is an end of year treat—apathetic vocals, deep bass riffs, a truly intoxicating tune meant only to cause discomfort. Good thing that as a New Yorker, I love that shit. —MS

Absolutely not: Machine Gun Kelly, “why are you here” – MGK’s latest single, an emo rap-rock hybrid that should cut royalty checks to both Post Malone and Bring Me the Horizon in equal measure, is not good. It’s unmemorable and lethargic, and somehow dripping with more misogynistic observation than the aughts pop-punk it rips off of, which I guess could be considered a feat. “why are you here”? Why are you here, MGK? —MS

Finally, some good fucking food: Mariah Carey – All I Want for Christmas Is You (Make My Wish Come True Edition) – Who can really ever say why Mariah Carey does the things she does! This video, for a song that has been out longer than I’ve been alive, features a plethora of conflicting imagery. In the opening montages, some spooky stuffed Christmas animals dance around with children that crawled through a hole in the wall. In another, Mariah drops it down low in a Santa Claus catsuit while some Christmas aliens in candy cane corsets futilely attempt to synchronize their choreography with her. At one point, those candy cane aliens transform into vinyl-bound nutcracker people and spin around Mariah, in another corset, as some children have a snowball fight with the stuffed Christmas animals. Who the fuck can every really say why Mariah Carey does the things she does—but thank god for her! —Joan Summers

An enthusiastic yes: Mr. Mistofelees, from the Cats soundtrack – Most of the songs performed in the Cats movie are not-quite-there musical numbers that should be louder! Grander! Bigger! More bizarre! Why not go all out and drown us in shmaltz and choral melisma! This is what “Mr. Mistolfelees” delivers, and it’s what makes it the most satisfying song in Cats (and I mean that from the bottom of my heart). The song has a narrative, a jazzy buildup, an unforgettable melody, and all the grandeur that’s missing from the other Cats songs in the movie. When the cast harmonizes and punctuates each word in the chorus as the song hits its climax, I really believe it: Never was there ever a cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistofelees!!! As I stated on Twitter, I’d appreciate a Migos remix of this, but I would also take Future or Ty Dolla Sign. While Jennifer Hudson’s rendition of “Memories” will get the most shine, this is the one that lingers and reminds you of all that Cats could have been. —Clover Hope