All the Things Sex and The City Will 'Address,' According to My Absolutely Accurate Memories of Sarah Jessica Parker Interviews

In the (I want to say 30?) years since we last saw Carrie and the gang, a lot has changed: new presidents, we all got ballerina breaks from wearing those bad shoes and thus stopped wearing them, all the rich people left New York because they were worried the poors would spread disease, just to cover the last few months.

Luckily, according to at least 14 years of interviews with gossip magazines, professional Candace Bushnell impersonator Sarah Jessica Parker says every single event within the fictional world of the show and the entire history of New York City will be addressed tactfully and responsibly in the upcoming reboot of the series, titled And Just Like That. And though many of these hints and tidbits have been long digested by our collective cultural unconscious, as someone who once believed myself to be “A Carrie,” when in actuality I’m just a bad friend with a fairy tale complex and tendency to romanticize past relationships to the point of delusion, I think I can pretty accurately recall each and every morsel disseminated by these interviews through my psyche. Here they are, all of the New York City-centric issues that will be addressed by the notably nuanced and sensitively multi-faced series Sex and the City, collected all in one place for your convenience.

The 1904 sinking of the magnificent sidewheel passenger steamboat, The PS General Slocum, remained one of the deadliest tragedies to hit New York for over 100 years. I am almost certain I’ve seen multiple tabloid reports hinting that the series will, at last, address this tragedy, possibly by having the blazing ship and loss of life that nearly decimated the city’s entire German population delay a harbor tour Charlotte arranged for her pod in celebration of Harry’s 50th birthday.

The winter of 1888 produced one of the harshest blizzards in recorded American history, dumping up to 40 inches of snow on the city and tragically killing hundreds, including U.S. Senator Roscoe Conkling. I definitely read somewhere that the television program will tackle the impact of this devastating storm on three imaginary women.

Once the jewel of that little armpit of streets between Tribeca and Chinatown, the fire that destroyed PT Barnum’s American Museum is one of the biggest news stories in New York City history. I recall with like 93 percent certainty that this will be one of the rampaging city fires featured in the new series. It will be really interesting to read Carrie’s take on rumors of police killing an escaped tiger with hatchets in the middle of a Manhattan street. Could it possibly factor in somehow to a storyline in which Carrie takes a hard look at her own vintage fur collection?

In 1788, New York City’s historically cruel treatment of the impoverished and often enslaved humans who built many of the same beautiful structures Carrie and the gals brunch in to this day came to a head as people rioted en masse in response to the medical community’s callous exhumation of bodies from pauper’s fields for experimentation. After, if I recall correctly, 25 seasons in which the Sex and the City ladies attempted to bag a doctor, Sarah Jessica Parker has definitely said in interviews that the show is finally going to address the desecration of the bodies doctors bagged. Wonder how this brutal and sad time in the city’s history will act as a fable for Carrie’s sexual frustrations or Charlotte’s struggle to feel heard in her marriage: “I couldn’t help but wonder—In love, aren’t we all just body-snatching?”