Birther Convention Cancelled Because Not Enough Idjits Believe the President Was Born in Kenya

It was supposed to be the biggest, most important summit of great American minds since the Constitutional Convention. It was destined to make the Royal Swedish Academy of Science’s Nobel Prize announcement look like the final day of Burning Man. But it wasn’t meant to be. The world wasn’t ready, our minds aren’t ready. But history will vindicate the wise and brave. If you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m speaking of the first annual convention especially for people who don’t think President Obama was born in America, tragically cancelled due to lack of interest. What is America coming to?

The “Birtherpalooza” event was to feature noteworthy cranky old guys like Pat Boone (scheduled to perform! On a rotating stage!) and rabid xenophobic Arizona Sheriff (and, uh, expert on official government documents of Hawaii, I guess) Joe Arpaio, who was to present findings from a yearlong investigation into the legitimacy of the President’s birth certificate. Also scheduled to appear is that nutcase military guy who refused to deploy to Afghanistan because he didn’t believe that Obama should legally be allowed to be President. A whole convention of living email forwards from your most unhinged distant relative. Imagine the possibilities.