Brad Pitt Is Probably Somewhere Crying On His Motorcycle Right Now

Brad Pitt Is Probably Somewhere Crying On His Motorcycle Right Now
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A fresh rain blankets Los Angeles this morning. The sky fissures and breaks, to reveal the warm glow of ill-remembered sunlight. It streams over the carports and strip malls and shuttered juice bars to illuminate a pair of hot and horny 30-somethings, their lips smudged with coffee and lipgloss: It’s Alia Shawkat and a “mystery man.”

Rain still coats the Malibu coastline. It whips into Brad Pitt’s face, hiding the hot tears streaming down it. The mood is melancholy. He and Shawkat never actually dated. They met at an art gallery and saw a few basketball games together. She would ride her bike over and do pottery or something. They weren’t together. It was nothing. He feels nothing and is doing fine.

This is how I wish it went, but it probably isn’t. Shawkat and Pitt never made those afternoon trysts official, according to sources around them. Afternoon delights aside, friends of friends and secret tipsters told the rags they were just two kiddies hanging out and doing stuff people up through a pandemic summer. And now, photographers have spotted the Search Party star and a new person outside a coffee shop in Los Angeles, which is about where one would expect to see two people dressed like this about now.

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No news on who the person is, but it’s the first time Shawkat has been publicly—and let me stress PUBLICLY—linked with someone since rumors swirled last spring that she had biked over to Brad Pitt’s house on more than a few occasions. There’s also no news on how Pitt has taken this turn of events, but he was recently papped around the new year out in Turks and Caicos, so one can assume “mildly not well.”

I can’t afford those pictures, so just imagine that he looks bummed out on a catamaran. Here he is on a motorcycle, though!

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The tears might be a bit hard to see but I’m choosing to believe they are there, underneath his silly hat.

Back to this new man though. What’s his deal? He sure likes Oakley shades, which I can’t believe I have now seen in the wild in 2021. What a twist! This outfit screams “running enthusiast” to me, which is probably nice for him and bad for everyone else. At least Shawkat is happy! It’s probably not too easy to progress from someone like Brad Pitt who, to be clear, was definitely just a friend.

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