Britney Gets Her Babies, One More Time

CelebritiesDirt Bag

Many moons after she shaved her head and everyone feigned either concern or surprise, Britney Spears is poised to regain partial custody of her two sons. Under the terms of an “amicable” agreement with ex Kevin Federline, she’ll be taking them with her on the first leg of her Femme Fatale tour, which sounds like a bad idea, as combining Femme Fatales and small children does not result in automatic comedy like combining children with hapless men in their 30’s does. Imagine the absurdity! Men! Taking care of children! By themselves! Gee, Hollywood sure comes up with some hilarious shit. []
George Michael has revealed the special track he recorded for Will & Kate. Fortunately, it’s not a slowed down a cappella version of “Father Figure,” because, creepy. [Digital Spy]
Everyone’s being really patronizing to Barry Manilow and now he thinks that they think he’s actually cool, but they’re just coming and giving and expecting to take. Unlike Mandy. But he sent her away. Oh, Mandy. [Daily Mail<]
Taylor Lautner has accepted losing his privacy, which means he wants to date you and that you’re welcome to his discarded coffee grounds if you’d like to make a paste by mixing them and your saliva and use that paste to construct a small model of Taylor Lautner, which you’ll then send to him as a birthday present. [Digital Spy]
Rod Stewart is reportedly “not happy” with daughter Kimberly’s pregnancy. Kimmers is expecting a bundle of responsibility with non-boyfriend Benecio del Toro, who, confusingly, has jumped straight from Jack Nicholson-circa-1972-weirdly-almost-sexy to Jack Nicholson-circa-2008-embarrassing-photos-on-a-yacht in what seems like a matter of months. This warrants further investigation, Mystery Squad. []
Lily Allen has committed the ULTIMATE SNUB on ex bestie Kate Moss by not inviting her to her wedding. For years I’ve wondered what the ULTIMATE SNUB might be, and I’m glad my questions were finally answered. Remember that wrestler from the 1980’s called THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR who basically looked like what happens when you combine Twisted Sister, Hot Loops, self-tanner, and anabolic steroids? I’d imagine that the ULTIMATE SNUB is kind of like getting a folding chair to the back of the head from that guy. Socially, I mean. [Daily Mail]
Evangeline Lilly is pregnant. Please resist the urge to make jokes about “the hatch.” []
Good news for Anna Faris fans (hint: all of you are Anna Faris fans, whether or not you know it, because Anna Faris is fucking hilarious): Paramount has picked up her new film. It’s not a super hero movie, which is extra awesome. [Digital Spy]
Rumors of a Superman role for Lindsay Lohan persist. I love how these rumors, they seem to fly around willy-nilly as though no one has responsibility for them and they’re spontaneously generated and have achieved sentience, like I could go outside with a butterfly net and, if I’m very careful, catch a few fluttering rumors about Lindsay Lohan, which I will then put in a jar with a cotton ball soaked with ether and carefully press flat, sticking a pin through it and displaying it among all of the other living swirling rumors in a glass case. I still remember the day that I caught that rumor about her playing Marilyn Monroe in some made-for-TV movie. What a beautiful rumor that was. [Digital Spy]
Amanda Seyfried thinks men love her “filthy” side. I think what men love is a woman who has breasts that can tell when it’s about to rain. Well, when it’s raining. [Contact Music]
Natalie Portman reports that her Black Swan sex scenes were awkward, which totally makes sense, as actual first time sex with someone is really awkward, if you think about it, and it probably only gets more awkward when no one is getting off and you’re just pretending to do it. [Digital Spy]
Snoop D-O-double-G has taken a troubled teenager under his foreleg and is helping to raise the youngster. I’m bitter that Snoop Dogg hasn’t adopted me, but then I realized that I never really made an effort. So, here goes: Adopt me, Snoop Dogg. I’m 27, I smell fine most of the time, I don’t make much noise, and I do my own laundry. []

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