Bruce Willis Goes All Die Hard On Ashton Kutcher's Ass

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Sure, it’s not all that hard to cheat on your wife if you have the lack of respect and a window of opportunity. However, it may become a little more complicated if her ex-husband is John McClane! That’s right, Ashton Kutcher has been avoiding an increasingly angry Bruce Willis‘s calls and came face-to-face with him recently. “Bruce was livid! He reamed Ashton for his cheating — and humiliating not just ex-wife Demi, but his three daughters as well,” says a source type. “He went at Ashton full force, giving him no time to make excuses for his embarrassing behavior, demanding that he get his act together fast! Ashton finally broke down in tears, weeping uncontrollably as he begged for forgiveness, ‘I will NEVER, EVER cheat again!'” Yippeekiyay, Bruce! [National Enquirer]

Prepare your tired souls! Kim Kardashian sits down with Australian morning chat show Sunrise to say: “I do want some time, really, by myself.” Though there may be a silver lining in this update avalanche, after she said of the negativity surrounding her sham marriage: “It teaches me I kind of want to step back a little bit.” While we’d like to take it as a verbal resignation letter, we’re sure mom Kris‘s Spidey sense kicked in and she’s since increased the voltage on her daughter’s invisible collar. [E!]
Apparently that’s the case because Kim has cancelled the rest of her Australian appearances and is flying back to mommy dearest. []
The fake beginning of their very real fake end was when Kim tried to stiff husband Kris out of the marriage money. [TMZ]
After temporarily reconsidering the constant airing of the wedding amid fears they’d seem insensitive, E! executives remembered they don’t care and now that shit is back on full tilt boogie. [Yahoo]
The whole world seems to be hating on Kim right now, with even Salman Rushdie getting in on the action – Tweeting a bitchy ditty in her honor. [NYDN]
It’s the proof we need that they’re getting back together: Reggie Bush did not have sex with interested randoms in the middle of a crowded restaurant in Miami. [Page Six]

Michelle Williams says she keeps her hair short as a “memorial” to Heath Ledger. Though their daughter Matilda is petitioning her to grow it, Michelle says that won’t be happening anytime soon and she’s intentionally kept it short since his death in 2008. “Of course, the only people who like it are gay men and my girlfriends,” she says. “Straight men across the board are not into this hair! I cut it for the one straight man who has ever liked short hair and I wear it in memorial of somebody who really loved it.” [US]

She already got a temporary get-out-of-jail-free card to complete work on her Playboy shoot, but it seems they really want to make the most of their near-million dollar investment and are starting Lindsay Lohan‘s pictorial from scratch after deciding the shots weren’t nipply enough or something. [Radar]
A homeless shelter rejected Lindsay‘s application for community service because they think she sets a bad example. [TMZ]

Johnny Depp almost died in a plane crash with Rum Diary director Bruce Robinson after the engines in their private jet momentarily cut out mid-flight. “It was like this weird extended moment when you’re just floating for a second and you could feel this unpleasant descent,” says Johnny. “Nobody said a word except for Bruce and I, sitting next to each other saying, ‘Oh shit! This is death; I guess this is how it goes down.’ Then we burst into hysterical laughter at the idea that this was how we were going to die.” Hilarious. [E!]

Elisabetta Canalis has taken a tiny step down from George Clooney with news she’s rebounding with True Blood‘s Mehcad Brooks. No offense to him, he’s hot and all, but still. Sources saying they’re totally going steady: “She already refers to him as her boyfriend. They’re really cute.” If it were Alcide perhaps … [US]

Poor Scarlett Johansson is under fire yet again for her insane beauty. First director David Fincher said she lost out to ogre Rooney Mara when it came to the remake of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo because she was too darn pretty, now the author of her current movie adaptation Under The Skin, Michel Faber, has complained she’s just too sexy for the role. “Michel thinks Scarlett is ‘too attractive’,” reveals a messenger for the enemy of breathtaking women everywhere. [The Sun]

  • James Franco says he’s going to conduct a séance to speak to Tennessee Williams because, you know, why not? [Vulture]
  • A virtually voiceless Adele hates the sound of her own voice, but is obsessed with that of her girl crush Beyoncé. [Page Six]
  • Speaking of, the ongoing circle jerk betwixt the BeyoncéJay-Z and Gwyneth PaltrowChris Martin households hasn’t reached climax just yet, with Chris saying Jay-Z is totally dreamy. [People]
  • Nicole Scherzinger and Steve Jones are allegedly bumping in the night, but need the okay from their work pimp Simon Cowell before they can take it public. [NYDN]
  • Survivor‘s Ethan Zohn is staying positive despite the return of his Hodgkin’s lymphoma. [NYDN]
  • We’re going to be hearing a lot of this in coming months, so I want you to brace yourselves: Jason Segal says it’s his “dream” to make a sex tape with Reese Witherspoon, in reference to the movie they haven’t started making yet. Get it? GET IT?! [E!]
  • PETA won their war of terror against Reese after she promised she wouldn’t use that python bag anymore and said sowwy. [Radar]
  • The other half of Hugh Grant‘s “fleeting affair” has been revealed – actress Tinglan Hong. [E!]
  • And it’s taken a turn for the incredibly modern, with Hugh buying her a $1.9million house just down the road from him. [Daily Mail]
  • Perpetual teenager Marilyn Manson gets crazy into Justin Timberlake after he’s had a few. [Page Six]
  • The coroner reveals that Bubba Smith died from an overdose of diet pills. Making the whole mess even sadder. [E!]
  • What do you do when your boyfriend is facing allegations that he fathered an under one-minute stand baby? Selena Gomez says: “Fix yo’ weave, of course!” [US]
  • Megan Fox opens herself up for more professional criticism with her Broadway debut. [US]
  • Increasingly seen as the world’s most rage-inducing couple, Miranda Kerr reveals that Orlando Bloom had their love letters framed. [US]
  • Daniel Craig will be creating some more masturbation material for us all with news he’s just started shooting the latest installment of James Bond, Skyfall! [The Insider]
  • Little Monsters face some big debt, with Lady Gaga‘s five-by-seven-foot Visionaire cover costing upwards of $1,500. [Billboard]
  • Jersey Shore‘s Vinny cops shit from Columbia students when he rocks up to give a talk on deviance. [TMZ]
  • UFC fighter Clifford Starks accidentally flashes the tip. That tip. [OMG]
  • Rihanna clearly needs to stop harassing strippers and get some sleep, after cancelling her second show in three days. [Radar]
  • Amanda Seyfried is simply not anorexic enough, according to powerful women’s lobby group the Daily Mail. [Daily Mail]
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