Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sánchez got married today in Venice, Italy (though their celebrations continue through the weekend), and is anyone else a little on edge about the seemingly imminent class wars? The cost for the week-long nuptials reportedly sits somewhere in the realm of $50 million, and as the yachts, helicopters, and private jets of the 1% descend on the fragile floating city, protesters remain in the periphery.
“If you can rent Venice for your wedding you can pay more tax,” reads a large white banner in the center of St. Mark’s Square. The temperature’s rising, literally and metaphorically. And as the ultra-rich gather in a UNESCO heritage site to toast each other, one thing is clear: It’s time to eat. (The rich.)
Here’s how long I think the Bezos wedding attendees would last once the Class Wars kick off:
Gone. Immediately. The only thing worse than a billionaire is a billionaire with White House clearance. These nerdy venture capitalists might not look like much sitting beside pop stars and A-list actors, but their quiet hoard of wealth conceals something more sinister. (Side note, Karlie Kloss? For what you did to Taylor Swift? You’re toast.)
10. Bill Gates
The former “Richest Man on Earth” is basically the poster child for “Eat the Rich.”
Days alive: 2 hours
9. Orlando Bloom and Katy Perry
Perry’s odds took a nosedive after that space flight, but the couple recently split, and Bloom’s odds MIGHT have been OK—but he’s at the wedding and she’s not. So he’s toast. And whatever points she earned back by being in Australia this weekend are not enough to cancel out rubbing elbows with the Tech Czar’s then-bride-to-be during her Paris bachelorette and then singing “What A Wonderful World” in orbit. Bloom might slightly improve his chances based on one thing…
Days alive for Perry: 2 Days
Days alive for Bloom: 2 Days and 5 Minutes
8. Kim Kardashian
Photo: Getty Images
Kim will make it like 3 months, tops. She’ll gain one day for dating Bloom, but he’ll lose a full day and a half for dating her. (But he’ll gain two extra days for not dating her.) Kim’s children will survive just fine, though, and will likely be the cool kids of the post-apocalyptic new age.
Days alive: 3 months, tops.
7. Leonardo DiCaprio
Leo’s a complicated case. Yes, he’s outspoken about climate change—but his decades-long commitment to 22-year-olds is a red flag. His philanthropy buys him a little time, but not much.
Days alive: 78, or roughly the length of one of his “serious” relationships.
5. Kendall Jenner and Kylie Jenner
The Jenner sisters’ massive Instagram followings won’t save them. The internet will turn fast, and they’ll vanish into the avalanche of girls who’ve suffered from impossible beauty standards their whole lives.
Days alive: 6 months, but our body dysmorphia is forever.
4. Oprah and Gayle
These two will make it far. (At least compared to the rest of this list.) Oprah gave people cars; Gayle gives blunt commentary; and they will hold hands into the sunset like Thelma and Louise.
Days alive: 365 days
3. Usher
Usher, I’ll try my best to keep you alive. We need you here long enough to pass down the ancient art of the slow jam to the post-apocalyptic R&B heartthrobs.
Days alive: 2 years
2. Sydney Sweeney
Sweens, what the hell are you doing here? You’ll survive for a bit, I guess, because you were vulnerable about the struggles of not being a nepo baby, and also because everyone is probably as confused as we are right now.
Days alive: 3 years, but we’ll SEE
And finally…
1. It all ends with Kris Jenner
Hate to say it, but Kris is brilliant. She’s cunning; she’s strategic; she has TMZ on speed dial. In the New World Order (sponsored by Amazon), Kris will thrive. She and Bezos might end up co-emperors of whatever’s left. We’ll see in a couple of years (or probably, like, 37 days) if I’m right.
Days alive: Immortal.
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