Christian Mom Knows Secret Ingredient in Monster Energy Drink: Satan


Wake up, sheeple.

We live in a world rife with conspiracy, and an even two-thirds of that world is controlled by our dark lord, the Monster Beverage Corporation. You may see nothing more complicated in their “M” logo than a mere acid-green claw scratch from a fearsome skateboarder who has gone deep into beast mode, but others know better; each leg of the M is a Hebrew vav, symbolizing 6.


Think about it.

And while you’re thinking about it, some innocent God-fearing teen has just bought a Monster drink, hailing Lucifer with every sip.

Anyway, National Treasure: Satan Juice is an old, old story, but no one has ever explained it better than this smug Christian genius, captured here working the table at what I can only presume is day three of Davos (so as to best permit the truth to rise from the dead). “What has Christ got to do with an energy drink, let alone the name Monster?” she says, her face clenched as to best withstand the hurricane of her own knowledge. But then she goes even deeper, past the 666 symbology and the fuck-you cross in the O. She points out the letters BFC on the bottom of the Monster can.

“That’s the F word,” she says. “In fact, they write it on the side of the can, so I know that’s the F word. Now, do ya know what a MILF is?”

She unveils the beat-up cardboard Monster box. “MILFS love it and you will too,” she says, choking on truth farts. “This is not a Christian company.” And she just keeps going. You ever heard of Revelations? What about the Beast? You have? Well, have you ever taken a gander at Monster’s slogan?

“What is witchcraft?” she asks, answering herself by feigning a sip from her can of Styxwater. “When the cross goes upside down. Bottoms up,” she says, grimly.

“Something to think about,” she adds.

It certainly is.

“This is how clever Satan is, how he gets into a Christian’s home, and a Christian’s life, and it breaks God’s heart.”

*sends God an Edible Arrangement*

“Jesus said, ‘My people perish from lack of knowledge,'” intones this truth-teller.

They sure do, lady.

They sure do.

h/t Christian Nightmares

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