Colton Underwood's Bachelor, Week Three: Pirates, Pageants and Terry Crews

By Maria Sherman | January 22, 2019 | 5:17pm

Entertainment TV

On Monday night, two Jezebel staffers with varying degrees of encyclopedic knowledge about the modern Bachelor universe watched the third episode of Colton Underwood’s season of The Bachelor. The wine was poured, and the virgin jokes flowed. This is their story.

Maria: Can you believe we’re only in week three and the defining drama is no longer about Colton’s virginity but is instead about whatever’s brewing between Hannah B., Miss Alabama, and Caelynn, Miss North Carolina, the latter of which I misspell with increasing regularity? Their tension came to a head during the first group date of the week, which, of course, both ladies were on (god bless the sick minds of Bachelor producers.) The outing was pirate-themed at a pirate-themed restaurant, which I assume is some bootleg Medieval Times Los Angeles joint. Caelynn won the challenge, but not before Hannah B. gave us her enticing declaration of “I didn’t come here to compete in another pageant.” All’s fair in love, war, pirate role play, and virgin crushes, bitch.

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Lisa: I was tired of the virgin storyline before the season even premiered, so I shall welcome this moderately juicy drama with open arms. Watching Hannah bring up her beef with Caelynn during her time with Colton for no apparent reason was absolutely cringeworthy, a suicide mission for sure. Although, I need more info about what actually happened at Miss USA. BRB, I’m calling Miss California for details.

After the knock-off Medieval Times date, we had a one-on-one with our favorite Alaskan cougar, Elyse. This date should have been a nice palate cleanser from the group date drama, and perhaps it was for many Bachelor viewers, but it was quickly revealed to be my absolute worst nightmare: Colton essentially tells Elyse they have to babysit a bunch of children at an amusement park in San Diego, before dancing at the concert of some country music act I’ve never heard of, as is Bachelor tradition.

Maria: It did seem like Demi tried to get to the heart of the Miss USA drama when she asked Hannah B. why she was crying—you know, after Demi blindfolded Colton, spanked him with a paddle and placed a plastic hand on his crotch in the weirdest display of virginal BDSM—but that got nowhere. It was the one and only, extremely rare occasion where Demi’s blatant disregard for social boundaries would’ve been useful. And then Colton kissed Caelynn and shouted, “WINNER”? I think I understand why he’s a virgin now.

I actually liked the kid-friendly date with Elyse, even though it, like this show, reminded me that heterosexuality is a prison. I will say it was weird that she kept stressing their age difference, because it is only six years? I’d say the real issue at hand is that she’s been boning for at least a decade now, probably longer, and he… has not. I also think I despise the “if you’re over 30 you must be close to death” undercurrent of the season more so than the puritanical worship of virginity.

Anyway, the country music performance was hilarious—I looked up the artist, and her name is Tenille Arts. Her single is “I Hate This,” which, coincidentally, was how I felt watching that scene. My friend had a good tweet:

What did you think of the second group date with Terry and Rebecca Crews?

Lisa: For a season with the most boring storyline in franchise history (sans sentient cardboard box Ben Higgins), the celebrity cameos are doing an excellent job of keeping me invested. Like Terry and Rebecca Crews, they are all too good for this show, but I need them to stay so I don’t fall asleep after getting too wine drunk.

The second group date’s obstacle course was, without question, my favorite part of the episode. It’s where we casually learn that DJ Catherine is a black belt and also the only person with rational expectations for how much you can make your date like you. It’s also where I fell in love with Nicole, who has zero athletic ability whatsoever but reminds us that she does sometimes walk her dog, so that counts. The women have to complete insane obstacles like strapping a limo to their back and pulling it across a dirt track while a crowd of hammered white women cheer and jeer from the sidelines. If NASCAR was more like this, maybe I would give it a shot.

After the obstacle course, Colton ends up surprise sending Caitlin home. They certainly had no chemistry, but I don’t really ever understand the point of not waiting until the rose ceremony the next day. Is she that intolerable?!

Maria: I can’t say I didn’t expect Caitlin to get the boot, if only because she’s said, like, three things all season and then, all of the sudden, it was the Caitlin show. I was surprised to see her teary eyed in the back of the car after getting cut, if only because Bachelor editing led us to believe she also wasn’t totally invested in him either. Her echoing to an empty car, “Throwing me away this early was a really big mistake,” was particularly haunting, to which I say: see you in Paradise.

After the date (Nicole scored the group date rose, go Nicole!) the ladies head home and are told there won’t be a cocktail party… it’s a pool party, because Colton is a fun-loving, golden retriever of a human boy. It does seem to, and I’m quoting him here, “lighten the mood,” especially for content creator Hannah G., who he smooches and whispers a soft, sweet “I like you.” She seems to be the only one he actually does.

Then, like clockwork, Colton pulls Caelynn and Hannah B. aside, in that order. Caelynn calls Hannah B. “toxic and manipulative.” Hannah B denies Caelynn’s claims. Colton believes both of them, because this man is dumb. Something tells me we’re gonna ride this rodeo for a few more weeks.

Lisa: Hannah G. is winning the show. I’m calling it right now.

Meanwhile, pour one out for our fallen comrade Catherine. Watching her was an emotional rollercoaster, ABC setting her up as the villain for one episode and then pivoting to criminal underuse. We’ll miss you, girl. Go and be reunited with your dog, who is much cuter than Colton anyways.

Next week the cast is headed to Singapore, which can only be a total disaster. Can’t wait.

Maria: Bri, the fake Australian, also kicked the proverbial Bachelor bucket. It would’ve been so much more fun to keep the two of them and cut Caelynn and Hannah B., but I guess there’s still the desire for drama, even if it’s of the high school variety. Colton already seems overwhelmed, and I’m like, dude, this is nothing.

If and when Colton gets rid of Onyeka and Nicole, I’m going to have to call it a day with the season. (I’m obviously joking, this horrible program is a real addiction of mine. I need to quit it.) I’m guessing it’s also too early to make any real predictions, but I’d love to see Katie as the next Bachelorette—you know, if her connection with Colton over sushi and their love of food (presented as two distinctly different things) doesn’t take them through to the end. Let’s see how they fare in Singapore, I cannot freakin’ wait.