The sun is up to its old tricks, but thankfully folks like Michele Bachmann are here to stand up for our nation’s most homophobic and crotchety. Ari Schwartz reports:
Tea Party Blames Sun’s Wasteful Use of Nuclear Fusion for Large Solar Explosions, Interference with GPS Systems
By Ari Schwartz
Anonymous Press
NEW YORK CITY — (AP) Tea Party leaders issued a strong rebuke of the sun’s behavior the last few days, attacking its effects on Americans. Rand Paul stated, “The sun should think about its effect on future generations of Americans, and how wasting its precious and finite helium fuel is hurting current and future generations of Americans. However, this is a clear effect of there being no market choice in our solar system… [we] must deregulate the solar economy. Clearly, the government-protected monopoly Sol has failed to succeed.”
Michelle Bachman, frontrunner for the GOP’s “Most Batshit Insane Party Member Award,” stated that she was unsure if this was due to the sun being “a flaming homogay” or “just not Christian enough,” but that she was going to ask her husband for her opinion.
Americans generally remain unsure of how to respond, but polls asking “How do you feel about the sun’s behavior most of the time?” suggest that they are 75% in favor of the sun in general, 20% against, and 5% were unsure/don’t know. Sarah Palin responded to this poll in a statement that she too was unsure of what the sun actually is, beyond “a hot thing in the sky that [she] can see from her house.”
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