I got another dick pic yesterday. And I have to say, this one wasn’t bad. Usually, the pics I get remind me of scenes from TREMORS, but this one was back lit with some soft afternoon light. Fine. Still, I felt the same way I do when I get a present from my mother. I pretend to act excited, and say things like “Oh! Thank you! I, I don’t know what to say. I didn’t ask for this, but you, you know me. I didn’t have to ask you just sent it to me. I… I am going to use this.”
But I never do! Ugh. And I feel so bad! Midwestern guilt coupled with Midwestern need from post-depression era grandparents to use everything. What am I going to do with these dick pics if I’m not going to masturbate to them?
Midwestern Problem = Midwestern Solution! Make a calendar!
As an example, I used recent dick pic extraordinaire Anthony Weiner’s photos just to help you get those creative juices flowing.
A lot of calendars will encourage you to use inspiring quotes with your images. Instead, why not use the captions that came with the photos, like I did with April.
Summer is truly dick pic season! It’s hot out, and bros get swole down south!
Autumn: don’t let the chill air stop you. Let that cock fall out of those pants!
He came 100 times thinking about you, but Christmas comes but once a year. Make it last as long as you can.
So there you have it. All you need to make a lovely wall calendar is an amorous penis exhibitionist with a camera phone, photo editing software, and either a printer or a Kinkos with an extremely nonjudgmental staff.
Heh. Staff.
Hayley Karl is a filmmaker and comedian who lives in Brooklyn. You can follow her on Twitter if you want. She’s not sure how it works.
Images via Shutterstock (2) (3) (4)
GET JEZEBEL RIGHT IN YOUR INBOX
Still here. Still without airbrushing. Still with teeth.
