Drunk Children Love Watery Beer and Candy-Flavored Liquor

By Lindy West | February 19, 2013 | 11:00pm

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So, everyone knows that kids start guzzling whatever intoxicants they can get their hands on as soon as they’re old enough to process angst. It’s a confusing time—friendship bracelets one day, recreational cough syrup the next. If you could ferment teal embroidery thread into some sort of syrupy beverage, that would be ideal. But that’s not really possible due to the laws of physics (thanks, OBAMA*), so what are the kids actually drinking? Liquor? Beer? Wine coolers? I’m pretty sure we can guess, but science is on the case:

Researchers surveyed a representative national sample of 1,031 boys and girls aged 13 to 20 of varying ethnicities and socioeconomic levels. All had consumed at least one alcoholic drink in the previous month. The results appear online in Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research.

Almost 70 percent had drunk either beer or hard liquor, and half had consumed a flavored alcoholic drink. Smirnoff vodkas were the number one choice for hard liquor, followed by Jack Daniel’s bourbons. Bud Light was the favorite beer, with Budweiser and Coors Light second and third.

For flavored alcoholic beverages, the respondents preferred Smirnoff malt beverages (Smirnoff Ice, and others, in many flavors). Mike’s beverages, including Mike’s Hard Lemonade and other fruit drinks, ranked second.

Oh, whatever. Did you kids know that when I was your age there was only ONE flavor of Smirnoff Ice!? Sometimes we had to mix single-malt scotch with Lik-M-Aid just to get a buzz on without tasting any actual flavors. Ungrateful little pomegranate-hard-lemonade-drinking bastards.