Dude Helpfully Explains Why Women Cheat

Is your wife cheating on you? Probably! Luckily, a man is here to explain what that bitch is up to.

In his infelicitously titled CNN piece, “Female Infidelity: It’s Different From The Guys,” Ian Kerner helpfully mansplains what makes women cheat and how you can tell if yours is. In case you don’t have much time to determine whether your love is cuckolding you, we’ve simplified his argument into a simple quiz.

Does your wife have feelings?

For men, cheating often tends to be opportunistic — they’re in the wrong place at the wrong time and the cheating doesn’t necessarily mean anything emotionally — whereas with women the desire to cheat is often less opportunistic and more deeply felt. It’s often more a matter of the heart than of the genitals. Sure, some women cheat for the sex, but many also cheat for another chance at love, or to confirm to themselves that their primary relationship is really over.

Does she have a job?

While there aren’t any hard statistics on female infidelity, most experts agree that it’s on the rise, especially among women who have their own careers and a degree of financial independence. […] And with so many women in the workplace, it’s no surprise that among the spouses who cheated, 46 percent of women and 62 percent of men did so with someone they met through work.

A computer?

Another big factor in the rise in female infidelity is the Internet. Sexual infidelity often starts with emotional infidelity, and digital technologies offer an abundance of opportunity for emotional (and thrilling) connections: The return of an ex, a workplace flirtation, a Facebook friendship that becomes more than “just friends.”

Does she have any friends?

Women are extremely susceptible to “emotional infidelity,” which starts as friendship, often with colleagues or seemingly harmless online relationships, and slowly progresses to something more. A gradual blurring of the lines between friendship and deeper intimacy draws even happily partnered people into relationships they never saw coming.

Do you have a horrible marriage?

So what are some of the signs that a woman could be cheating or thinking about it? […]

– She seems happy, except when she’s around her partner

Is she filled with inner rage?

Guys, think your wife would never cheat? Think again. When men get angry about something, they tend to lash out, but women often self-silence and bottle up their emotions.

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, rest assured that your lady-friend is in bed with someone else this very instant. Probably with someone she met on the Internet. Or at her job. Whatever the case, she’s not attracted to him — she’s just sleeping with him to make sure that your crappy relationship is really over. So chill out. And don’t say Ian Kerner didn’t warn you.