Foodgod Is Risen

Foodgod Is Risen
Screenshot:Foodgod (Instagram)

On this most hallowed day of October 28, in the year of our Lord 2019: Foodgod is Risen. Sing it from the doorways, climb the rooftops and chant it to the heavens. Foodgod, blessed father of penis-shaped cakes and gold-dipped chicken wing bouquets, has risen. Believers, rejoice! Let your tears become an offering, your body a temple, and your mind an altar. Open yourself to Foodgod, for he will forever sit atop the most hallowed of thrones as the patron deity of Instagram-adjacent celebrity food influencers.

Speaking through his avatar on the mortal plane, once known as the body of Jonathan Cheban, the voice of Foodgod delivered a sermon on his transfiguration to Page Six:

“I already feel like I’m Foodgod. I’m just so tired of people questioning me and really tired of people not calling me Foodgod. It’s my name. Jonathan is not my name. They actually have to call me by my name, otherwise it’s like they’re talking about someone else. It’s weird.”

While the Avatar of Foodgod didn’t elaborate further on the consequences for sundering the name of Foodgod, it’s probably best to strike his former moniker from your brain. Who knows what the punishment might be! Death by a thousand Jersey Mike’s sandwiches? Stoned to death by those chocolate eggs that Instagram influencers like to melt? Being buried alive in a pit of whatever this is? The possibilities are endless, but each is equally sinister!

Anyways, long live Foodgod or whatever!

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