Game of Thrones Is Back and So Is Game of Boners

By Madeleine Davies  |  April 7, 2014 | 11:00pm
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Welcome back to Game of Boners, our weekly Game of Thrones discussion where we recap the latest episode of the HBO series and — more importantly — catalog every butt, breast, wang and vagina to appear on screen! Winter is ***cUmMinG***, y’all, so get prepared.

8===D

After months and months away from the Game of Thrones universe, we’re finally back! As if it wasn’t hard enough to keep track of all the characters in season 3, the season 4 opener has introduced even more people to this crazy-expansive fantasy world. And not only that, but some of the old characters are being played by completely new actors. Good luck keeping track of anyone for the rest of the season and/or time.

Kvetching aside, all Jezebel staffers agree that the new Daario Naharis (on the left) has it going on in all the right places. No offense to the former (right) and his very expensive wig.

Also making his first appearance is actor Pedro Pascal as Oberyn Martell, a Dornish prince who’s newly arrived in King’s Landing under the pretense of attending King Joffrey’s wedding. He’s not exactly there to wish Joffrey and his new wife well, though. Rather, he’s in town to repay a violent, old debt stemming from years back when the Lannisters first seized King’s Landing from the Mad King Aerys Targaryen and Oberyn’s sister Elia (a Targaryen by marriage) was raped (welcome back, GoT) and cleaved in half by Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane.

“If the Mountain killed my sister, then your father gave the order,” Oberyn tells Tyrion, then threatening, “The Lannisters aren’t the only ones who pay their debts.”

Fingers crossed, Oberyn will get his shot at revenge, but in the meantime, however, he and his lover Ellaria Sand will be combing their way through King’s Landing’s brothels, getting freaky with anyone (both are bisexual) they want and can throw money at.

Speaking of Ellaria, can we just take a moment to consider the INSANE beauty of Indira Varma?

Thank you. Moment over.

Elsewhere in King’s Landing, Jaime — newly coiffed and reunited with his family — is having a hard time readjusting, even after being fitted with a fancy-schmancy gold hand and given a new sword of Valyrian steel (melted down from the old sword of Ned Stark) by his father Tywin. Tywin has been cold and dismissive to his son since his return and while Tyrion might be used to this kind of mistreatment from the Lannister patriarch, Jaime is not.

After Tywin tells him to break his vows as Chief Commander of the Kingsguard and go back to Casterly Rock, Jaime refuses. His reputation might already be irreparably damaged among the public thanks to his murder of Aerys Targaryen, but leaving King’s Landing would be the first time he betrayed himself and that is something Jaime refuses to do.

His reception by his nephew/son and sister/sex partner is equally painful. Joffrey’s egomania continues to be destructive and out of control and Cersei — when Jaime tries to put the moves on her — is all “Uh-uh, honey.” He’s been away too long and, while he may be THIRSTY for that magic sister pussy, all she’s thirsty for is more wine. I really hope these two work it out.

Speaking of pairs you’d never expect to root for, Arya Stark being out on the road with Sandor Clegane is the best thing to happen since Brienne of Tarth was out on the road with Jaime Lannister. While it’s a stretch to say that Sandor likes Arya (it’s a stretch to say that Sandor likes anything), I think he has a genuine appreciation for her blood lust.


Of course, it’s desperately sad that someone as young as Arya has nothing left to devote herself to but revenge, but it’s also hard not to appreciate her tough ruthlessness (we’re such Sandor Cleganes in that way). And hooray! She’s reunited with Needle.

Other points of discussion:

  • Bratty teen dragons!
  • Sad teen Sansa 🙁
  • Jon Snow, who may or may not know something at this point
  • Samwell Tarly appropriating Jon’s grief over the loss of his brother Robb and making it about his own jealousy issues.
  • People. People who eat people.

8===D

And now the nudity count!

Boobs (individual): 4

Vaginas: 2

Butts: 1

Dongs: None-zo.

Until next week: BYE-BYE.

 
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