‘Golden Bachelorette’ Premiere Showcases Some Really Excellent Greying Beards

In an intro video introducing herself as America’s first-ever Golden Bachelorette, 61-year old Joan Vassos, a widowed former Golden Bachelor contestant from Rockville, Maryland, explained that, “As you get older you become more invisible. People don’t see you anymore.” Well, Joan surely course-corrected because as she stood outside the famed franchise mansion in the rain during Wednesday night’s premiere episode,  she wore a dress so glittering gold with hair extensions so voluminous and cascading, that even someone who’s eyesight was fading with age couldn’t argue that she was invisible! Plus 24 men were about to show up who all had their eyes trained on her.

Like sand through the hourglass, we once again find ourselves tuned into the romantic lives and dating prospects of folks eligible for social security. Following the success of last year’s Golden Bachelor, the ABC franchise honored its natural progression and is offering the gender swapped experience. In a surprise to myself, I was excited, eager to watch people my parents’ age makeout on camera. Like Joan and true love, I was ready to give it another shot. 

Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner and winner Theresa Nist proved that, while this iteration of the dating show is far more sentimental than the original format, it still ended with the couple splitting up within one fiscal quarter. Will Joan have better luck? Is it possible to find 24 eligible bachelors in their mid to late sixties? Should we categorize keeping these men and one woman up til dawn to shoot a rose ceremony elder abuse? I hope so!

As is tradition, Joan greeted the parade of contestants—ranging from Zaddy (Mark) to embarrassing uncle (Jack) to a man named Chock (Chock)— out front. They had their platitudes about romance and the importance of putting yourself out there ready to go, and a few showed off their talents like Charles K, who performed one-handed pushups (impressive at any age!). Another contest, David, rode in on a horse (feels overdone at this point!). But between the gimmicks and awkward one-liners, my own mother who was watching at her home texted me that should she die, my sister and I were obligated to give my dad better dating advice than some of these men must have received.

Some standout contests so far (that have, spoiler alert, received a rose at the witching hour rose ceremony) are Jack, the goofy midwestern caterer whose nervous tic seemed to be searing a steak for Joan and feeding it to her; Charles L, the kind hearted widower who inspected the burners on the stove and the size of the fridge and was impressed to find they were real; and Jonathan, a man whose low-buttoned shirts reveal what I think is a dream catcher chest tattoo. We’ve also got Parisian salon owner via Chicago, Pascal, who is being set up to be a bit of a Casanova-villain type and who said my favorite line of the evening in his thick accent: “I hope to eventually conquer the heart of Joan.” Keith, who received the first impression rose, stands out for not only being 6’5” but also for seeming like a genuinely affable guy. Finally, there’s Mark, who is former Bachelor contestant Kelsey Anderson’s dad, and who rocks a grey beard so well, it’s making me look forward to my husband’s facial hair in 30 years.

What I am learning is that the preferred reason for singledom in your golden years on this show is being widowed. It lends you sympathy and more importantly, doesn’t have people wondering why you 1) never married or 2) got a divorce. The contestants who could lean into their (legitimate) sob story, rightfully did, and those who couldn’t glazed over it pretty quickly. Like last season, the show does a good job at speaking to the realities of loneliness in your old age and wanting a partner to spend the second half of your life with.

Right before the rose ceremony, host Jesse Palmer wheeled out a television that screened sweet and encouraging messages from the contestant’s family members. Joan cried. The men cried. I cried. I hope the show maintains that record of at least 90% of people on and off -screen in tears and I hope we are given at least two full episodes where pickleball is not talked about extensively (no such luck so far).