Guess Which Celebrity Chef Is Already Booked To Make Brangelina's Christmas Dinner?

CelebritiesDirt Bag

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have hired my mom’s pretend (but serious pretend) boyfriend Jamie Oliver to come to their Surrey estate to cook them Christmas dinner. Pitt and Oliver have been buddies since the Jennifer Aniston days. The British chef has tried to give him cooking lessons before, but he’s “useless in the kitchen.” Aw, it feels adorably correct that no matter how domesticated and fatherly Brad Pitt has become, dude could still burn water. As for Angelina, there is no way that woman is going near a stove except maybe to have brutal leonine sex on top of it.

Unsurprisingly, Branj need his help because it is almost impossible for two super-famous people to take their gazillion super-famous kids out to a restaurant and not make national news, so they stay inside the castle often. I will ask my mom what it’s like in there on Christmas Eve when she screams “PUKKAAAAAA” and crashes through their kitchen wall like the Kool-Aid man. [Hello! Magazine]

These old-school modeling shots of an 18-year-old Victoria Beckham are absolutely incredible (and reveal a more than slight resemblance to old-school Christina Ricci). [Buzzfeed]

In all the Gaga size hubbub, here is Adele weighing in. Ugh, sorry.

I just stand there and sing. I’m not worried that I’m a ‘plus size’ and so much bigger than other artists. No matter what you look like the key is to be happy with yourself.

She adds that female pop stars shouldn’t be using their sexuality to sell records, and adds in a (rather judgmental, IMHO) aside:

I’ve seen them up close and they don’t even look like that.

You heard it here first, y’alls. There’s Katy Perry and then there’s Katy Perry. [The Sun]

Adele’s theme for the new Bond movie Skyfall will be entitled “Let The Sky Fall.” Derp. [Capital FM]

OKAY, so let’s talk about how tenuous and fetal this Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart reunion is for a second. Specifically, it’s a one-month “trial” reconciliation called by R-Patz, to see if he can actually get over that time a married dude chafed himself on K-Stew through his chinos as they stood on a bridge.

Supposedly he has “requested that they don’t talk about Rupert [Sanders] and what happened.” It kind of seems to me that not talking about this major relationship issue will eat away at them both like a degrading alien brain-cell in a Stephen King book until Mr. Rochester has to hide them both away in a wall, but who the hell am I. [Examiner]

Liberty Ross stepped out with her wedding ring on. [Rumor Fix]

Like the proverbial honey badger, Kim Kardashian don’t care and gives zero craps about Kanye West’s 20-minute sex tape, because people in glass houses blah blah blah. Her mother Kris Jenner agrees that it’s “no big deal,” and the fact that the woman was a Kim K. lookalike apparently had the whole family rolling in the aisles. “They all joked that Kanye has a type!” HILARIOUS. [Radar Online]

Also, also, also, it might actually be Kim Kardashian on the tape disguised as a lookalike because the timestamp would reveal that she was cheating on Kris Humphries. [Examiner]

Her kitten is still cute as fuck, though. [People]

14-year-old Jaden Smith is giving sister Willow a run for her money with his new rap single “The Coolest,” in which he raps about “chilling with a hottie [who is] really into yoga” and refers to himself as “super rich.” [Radar Online]

  • Camille Grammer told Kelsey Grammer to shut the fuck up about their shriveled up old dead marriage. [Radar Online]
  • Elton John and his partner sold their L.A. home in the Sierra Towers because they were concerned their kid Zachary would tumble out a window. [Daily Mail]
  • Lisa Marie Presley is a sheep farmer now YOLO YOLOYOLOYOLO and also BAAAA. [Monsters and Critics]
  • “Hello. I hope you had a nice weekend. Mine was very nice. Today I had someone heal my house,” said Simon Cowell on Twitter like a crazy person. [Gulf News]
  • JK Rowling might publish “director’s cut” versions of two Harry Potter novels. Here’s hoping they have that Harry/Ron slash scene we’ve all been waiting for. [BBC]
  • Bobbi Kristina and her boyfriend were in a car accident but they’re both fine. [TMZ]
  • Madonna said her “black Muslim” Obama comment was “ironic,” but she is also dressed like Grimace here, so who even knows which end is up. [Daily Mail]
  • ScarJo bought everything at YSL. [Daily Mail]
  • Liam Payne, one of the five-piece McNuggets from One Direction, has broken up with his girlfriend. [Gather Celebs]
  • New Jersey assemblypeople are seriously considering instituting a “Snookiville Law” that would let townships license reality show productions and levy fees on them to pay for additional police to control the cast members and crowds. [CNN]
  • Amy Poehler wore a $2 adjustable ring that her kid gave her on her ring finger at the Emmys. Amy Poehler, you are perfect. [Examiner]
  • An artist named Domingo Zapata says he and Lindsay Lohan are just friends. [Page Six]
  • Dude, your old roommate or your ex or someone you smoked pot with at a party once probably saw Katie Holmes at the Brooklyn Flea this weekend. [Page Six]
  • Avril Lavigne put to rest rumors that she is already carrying the spawn of Chad Kroeger by drinking at a steakhouse. [Page Six]
  • Lady Gaga’s boyfriend prefers her curvier. [Monsters and Critics]
  • Jesu Christo, Britney Spears scalped Ke$ha! [People]
  • Mindy Kaling is into all-American-looking blonde dudes like Chris Pine and Chris Evans. (And might be the only person to ever refer to Justin Theroux as an “edgy”-looking choice of sex symbol.) [Us Weekly]
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