Full disclosure: I loathe Halloween from the bottom of my gristly, blackened heart. When I was younger, my parents and I hid behind our sofa in the pitch dark to avoid trick-or-treaters. As an adult, I still have major beef with this holiday, but usually keep my trap shut to avoid being called a spoilsport. But you know what is fun? The day AFTER Halloween, when no one is in costume, and I can spend the morning guessing what celebrities dressed up as for Heidi and Seal’s annual Halloween party! In a surprising move for people who are worshiped for their physical appearance, the sexy (insert costume here)s were few and far in between.
Heidi and Seal’s ape love really makes everyone else look like chump change by comparison. Very nice milkers, Heidi. The esteemed photographer, Ellen Von Unwerth, came as a Vegas magician. Byrdie Bell dressed up as a woman in skin-tight latex who has sprouted butterfly wings. Um, is that a thing?
At first I thought Fergie and Chrissy Teigen were just outrageous barbie dolls, but then Jessica told me they were from Toddlers & Tiaras, and it all made sense. The funny thing about their costumes is that Nicki Minaj dresses like that all the time, and the sad thing about their costumes is that actual toddlers have to wear that. Kate Upton dressed as Anna Nicole Smith dressed as Marilyn Monroe, as viewed in partial x-ray vision?
Russell Simmons and Andre Harrell are RUN-DMC! For me, they win best costume of the night, even though it’s just tracksuits, Adidas, and gold chains, but it feels like such a sweet tribute for one of hip-hop’s greatests (and to Russell’s younger brother, Reverend Simmons, aka Run.) I guess Halloween is not about being sweet. Anyway, last night RUN-DMC was flanked by sexy camouflage and a douche, aka Adrian Grenier.
Tyson Beckford came as a US marine. Greg Bello came as the quintessential example of why people like my mom are not sympathetic to Occupy Wall Street, and Shanina Shaik came as a sexy sailor.
Model Jessica White’s costume partially exemplifies why I feel icky about Halloween. I think she’s supposed to be a sexyhotscary tribal witchdoctor-genie. Am I close? Carrie Keagan came as Jem from Jem and the Holograms. Hit it, girl. Ew, it’s Vinny from the Jersey Shore. I’m pop culturally illiterate, so I need some help here. What is he supposed to be? It looks like he’s wearing a club kid’s shirt, and then plopped two takeout containers on his shoulders and taped parts of a garbage bag over his takeout. Which would make him _________________? {Zoolander, I think. — Ed.}
Michelle Tractenberg came as a blue goth doll. SWEET LORD, I GIVE UP. She’s from a Tim Burton movie? Olivier Green came as a thunderstorm, but I only know that because I asked my editor. Eric West came as himself, which is what I would have done if Heidi had invited me.
Jonathan Cheban came as The Devil. Or maybe just A Nebbish Devil. Natasha Bedingfield is every awful stereotype rolled up into one aesthetically displeasing costume. She’s a sexy escaped inmate! Hilarious!
Jewelry designers Jodie and Danielle Snyder are Elvis and Cleopatra? And blogger Leandra Medine is every trustafarian hipster in an Indian feather headdress and face paint, who is deeply offended by your accusation of cultural appropriation. David Kirsch is a wellness guru and those cut abs are no costume. They’re the real deal, my friends. I’m still grossed out by genie costumes. That bottle of Cheez Whiz is Kyle MacLachlan, people! That’s Kyle MacLaclan as a bottle of delicious spray-on chemicals! Love him.
Project Runway Season 6 winner, Irina Shabayeva and her hubby came as the princess and prince of Persia, I suppose. The wonderful Austin Scarlett from Season 1 came as a sexy ghost done right. I love me a ghost onesie that ends with attached stiletto boots.
Model Heide Lindgren is either Jessica Rabbit or just an old-school babe, in general. Phillipe and David Blond are reptilian storybook ogres? Or fairies? Help! {Gremlins. — Ed.} Stephen Fanuka, ‘contractor to the stars,’ is a medieval knight who time traveled to find comfortable slip-on shoes. Tee hee.
Amber Rose came as a devil-may-care rock star. {Slash! — Ed.} Victor Luna was a matador! Jamie McCarthy and Lori Levine came as Hercules and Xena, fresh wounds and all.