Here's the Apocalyptic Lesbian Fanfic You Never Knew You Wanted


Ellen sits in front of a roaring fireplace in a mahogany living room, drinking whiskey from a cut crystal glass as Portia sleeps at her feet. So begins an “intense lesbian fanfiction” starring Ellen Degeneres, Portia di Rossi, Jodie Foster and a 21-year-old Midwesterner named Blaze.

Over at Autostraddle, F. Sanger has posted the lesbian fanfic to end all lesbian fanfics. Blaze is special, you see. Very special:

Blaze stepped onto the stage and suddenly Jodie felt her heart squeeze. Blaze’s power was clear to her. Jodie could tell, under those skinny jeans was the lesbian that was prophesied to end all lesbians. Jodie knew if she didn’t kill Blaze now, Blaze would only get stronger and cuter until all the lesbians of the world were crushin’ on her. She would have more fan power than One Direction, Justin Bieber, The Jonas Brothers (when people still cared about them), and the Harry Potter series combined. With all that angst heading in the same direction, chaos would break out across the world. Jodie reached into her purse and touched the gun.

And there’s more: A dark lord of the underworld makes an appearance!

The man whirled around and faced Jodie. He flashed a big toothy grin at her. Jodie recognized him immediately; Louis was short of Lucifer, he was one of the devil’s henchmen. Jodie had met him while filming The Beaver. He had been eating lunch with Mel Gibson (they were friends from Gibson’s anti-Semitic days). Louis held a C-level position in Hell — CFO or COO — Jodie couldn’t remember. But basically the devil sent Louis out when there was damage of epic proportions to be done.

The story is sharp, funny (Blaze’s tumblr is called Dyke.D.Eisenhower), completely ludicrous and lots of fun. And this is only part one! By the by, I don’t want to give anything away, but I’m pretty sure it passes The Bechdel Test.

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