Holy Crap, This Is the Most Spectacular Mugshot Ever

By C.A. Pinkham  |  November 21, 2014 | 2:11am

Seriously, look at that goddamn mugshot. Also, in case you’re wondering whether this story gets better, this happened in Florida. Of course it gets better.

See, Gabriel Harris wasn’t arrested simply for cooking meth or anything so mundane. This is Florida, where the bar has been set so high that sort of crime would barely register a blip on the national media’s radar. No, Gabriel was arrested for the far more dastardly crime of wanting Taco Bell and possessing a bicycle. No, seriously.

On Sunday, Gabriel went to a Taco Bell in New Smyrna Beach and tried to go through the drive-thru on his bicycle. Since he arrived right at closing time, the employees refused to serve him, which is reasonable. He then refused to leave, so they ultimately called the cops (which is less reasonable; just leave him sitting at the order station all night). The cops then noticed he apparently had a brutally lethal swiss army knife hanging from his belt, and freaked out, because that seems like an eminently reasonable response given the circumstances. A man comes at you with one of those shitty, ineffective bottle openers, there’s no telling what damage he can do. If he’s Jackie Chan, anyway. Not so much if he’s anyone else.*

After the ensuing scuffle, Gabriel was arrested, and that thing you see above, that beautiful, glorious quintessence of Americana, occurred. We are all richer for its existence. You can find the unedited version of the picture below.

I love literally everything about this story. That wondrous mugshot. The bicycle. The swiss army knife. The fact that it involves a Taco Bell, which is scientifically proven to make any situation at least 40% funnier. The fact that Gabriel looks like Troy Baker‘s sad, alcoholic brother.**

I gotta be honest: I’m not sure how we’re topping this.

* Are there any cops left in this country who aren’t complete paranoid lunatics? It would’ve taken Harris several seconds to unclip the knife and at least 20 seconds more to pry out the knife part using those stupid, ineffectual little nail grooves, then another few seconds to realize he’s pulled out that one tool that cannot possibly have been designed for any human purpose, then like half a minute to get that back in and locate and draw the actual knife. Swiss army knives aren’t exactly a quick-draw weapon, is what I’m saying here.

** For those who did not know what Troy Baker looked like, you’re welcome. Also, here, have this.

Image via AP.

 
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