Horny Jail Welcomes the Class of 2023

There’s only one place on Earth fit for those who can’t keep it in their pants for the duration of a Zoom meeting, and that’s behind metaphorical bars. That’s right, we are back with another installment of Horny Jail, in which we sentence the naughtiest of the naughty to jail time for being entirely too horny on main.

Whether it’s an artist who (accidentally?) created an erotic civil rights statue, NBA designers who made “CUNT” jerseys, or male public figures who use social media to watch porn (seriously, we do not want to be unwillingly subjected to your pornographic tastes in the middle of the work day), we’re picking up where we left off in 2o22 to bring you a lineup of dirt bags who’ve failed to keep their sex drives in line this year.

Time to put your hands where I can see them, wankers: You’ve been caught nasty-handed.

This dude on Reddit made his girlfriend listen to one song for two years during sex before she finally told him it was a real turn-off of a tune (you must listen if you haven’t). He became publicly flummoxed as to why their sex became “awkward” after he stopped playing the song at her request—and then still played the song in his head while “thrusting” into her, and she recognized it in his rhythm. Holy shit, if you haven’t listened to the song by now, you really have to for the illegality of this situation to become apparent. “I usually bust to this song and find it devastating she hates the song,” this young man claimed on Reddit. Straight to horny jail. —Sarah Rense

There’s an old adage that goes, “Behind every man facing down credible accusations of abuse, assault, or the like, stands droves of deluded women all too willing to ensure he doesn’t fall.” Just kidding. That’s not a real saying, but as Jezebel’s resident court-watcher, it should be! In the last year, scores of famous men met their accusers in the halls of justice or announced their plans to do so. And in case you weren’t watching as closely as I’ve been, they—somehow—still have fans.

R. Kelly, Marilyn Manson, and last but certainly not least, Johnny Depp, still have legions of loyalists—many of whom are women attracted to them despite truly horrifying allegations of violence...against women. My bizarre taste in the opposite sex is well-documented. But frankly, I cannot fathom lining up outside of a courthouse—in costume, or holding a poster board—to support someone accused of hurting another woman, not to mention a man who hasn’t been hot since 2007. That’s gotta warrant at least an overnight in solitary confinement.—Audra Heinrichs

The first album of new material in almost 15 years from 82-year-old Motown legend Smokey Robinson is called Gasms. Gasms! Who says “gasms?” Has literally anyone, ever? Is he too busy making them to say the full word “orgasms?” It’s wild how much raunchier you can make something by just removing a few letters. Robinson’s album, which is expected to arrive April 28, includes songs with provocative titles like, “You Fill Me Up” and “I Want to Fit in There.” On the red carpet of the Grammy Awards, Robinson said that he chose the Gasms title, because “I wanted people to be curious. You know? People will say, ‘I gotta hear that to see what he’s talking about.’”

Uh, we know exactly what he’s talking about! He’s talking about a way to go directly to horny jail: Do not pass go, do not collect $200.—Rich Juzwiak

Since last year’s Horny Week, brands continue to show us why it’s always a mistake to turn on Al Gore’s internet. But Nutter Butter, far and away, took the cake. On a Monday afternoon in June, this candy bar chose to tweet: “N is for the way you nut at me.”

I’d recommend immediate jail time for that offense alone—but then, the brand made it worse with a Notes App Apology posted the next day. Nutter Butter got its 15 minutes of horny fame, and I had to give myself a lobotomy.

An incredible consequence of Twitter dying this slow and odd death is that the brands will have one less forum to be horny online. Until then? Horny jail. —Caitlin Cruz

It’s bad enough to lust after someone who has hacked their lovers to bits post-coital, let alone someone who wants to take a chunk out of you en-medias-coitus. The likes of Bones & All and Fresh have played their part in, um, “normalizing” cannibalism in our current public imagination. But I can’t imagine that the stomach-churning testaments of multiple actual women that Armie Hammer traumatized and manipulated over the years still leave you with butterflies in your tummy.—Rodlyn-mae Banting

“It is SO over,” one particularly horned-up Twitter user captioned a post in January. It featured four images of very clearly AI-generated women with comically enormous breasts and wholly unrealistic features, clad in swimsuits and lingerie. In recent weeks, there have been dozens of variations of tweets like this from horny men implying that we, women, are on the brink of being automated and replaced en masse by what can only be described as vaguely realistic cartoons with weird hands.

As writer Brandy Jensen noted via tweet, the “funniest thing about the fake ai ladies is it’s a fascinating mix of being catastrophically horny for something very tame (girl in a bikini).” Indeed, photos like this are prevalent across the internet—for free, mind you—and photos of real hot women with fully formed hands performing various sexual acts are everywhere, too. It’s called porn, and it already exists, my good sirs! I’m begging these men to sign off, touch grass, and get their asses to Horny Jail.—Kylie Cheung

In January this year, Boston dropped its drawers to unveil a new statue commemorating Martin Luther King Jr. and Coretta Scott King called The Embrace. The 20-foot-tall bronze sculpture was supposedly modeled after a 1964 photo of the couple hugging, and Martin Luther King III said at the unveiling ceremony that the statue “truly signifies the bonds of love shared by my parents.” Unfortunately for him and for us, their “bonds of love” look uncannily like the act of cunnilingus. According to Curbed, Seneca Scott, the cousin of Scott King, even called the monument “a big bronze penis that’s supposed to represent Black love at its purest and most devotional.”

Of course, at the center of every pussy-eating controversy is a rich man with a total lack of awareness. The whole project was apparently the brainchild of Kayak.com founder Paul English, who just decided one day that Boston really needed an MLK statue and then unintentionally delivered one of the most erotic statues this country has ever seen. Even better, three different teams approved the design ahead of time! I can’t decide whether that means their brains are so poisoned by avid porn consumption that the parallels to box-munching felt entirely unremarkable, or if a few horny lords on the committee thought it would be hilarious to simply let the oral sex statue happen. Either way, they shall be doomed to horny jail for the foreseeable future. —Emily Leibert

Promptly following the release of Netflix’s Dahmer, droves of women apparently began simping and thirsting for the serial killer. TV has the power to brainwash the masses, but you’d think that a series documenting the entirety of Jeffrey Dahmer’s heinous crimes would serve more as a refresher about how awful he was than some sort of online dating ad. To make matters worse, history is already repeating itself less than a year later: The Idaho murderer who was found guilty of a quadruple homicide already has a fervent admirer in the form of a Kentucky single mom. We’ll blame it on the true crime industrial complex for now, but seriously, y’all need to find other ways to satiate your savior complexes.—RB

Doc Rivers might be my dad’s age, but unlike Rivers, even my dad would probably have the good sense not to “like” a bunch of porn tweets on his public, professional Twitter account (mostly because my dad doesn’t have a Twitter, but the point still stands). Last September, the controversial Sixers head coach best known for pioneering new ways to lead a basketball team to lose in humiliating fashion appeared to “like” a handful of tweets including pornographic videos and photos. Upon realizing his “likes” were viewable to the public and getting caught, he insisted that his account had been hacked. (Sure, Jan.) Embarrassing? Yes. As embarrassing as blowing a 3-1 play-off lead back in 2020? Nope! Please resign from the Sixers so they can have a real chance at winning, and get thee to Horny Jail, Doc.—KC

In December, I, unfortunately, found out how actor Samuel L. Jackson spent his 74th birthday: watching multiple pornographic videos on Twitter. The man went viral that day as Twitter users tried to alert him that his, uh, sexual appetite was being broadcast publicly to his 9.1 million followers every time he liked an X-rated vid.

Most users were supportive of Horny Grandpa and his seemingly healthy porn-consumption habit, but one person resurfaced a 2017 Wired interview, in which the actor heartily admitted that he liked anime “and hentai too!” with a laugh too maniacal for comfort. (Please put two and two together, so I don’t have to say it). Buzzfeed reports that all of the tweets have since been unliked, and technically Jackson didn’t do anything wrong. But the image of Samuel spankin’ it on Twitter has now been imprinted in my brain against my will—a punishable offense.—EL

If you designed this year’s Charlotte Hornets “CLIT” jerseys or the 2019-2020 Milwaukee Bucks “Cream City” jerseys, or, hell, this year’s NBA All-Star weekend “SL,UT” banner, listen. I just want to talk—specifically, about boundaries. About professionalism. About not taking advantage of your job to subject us to a world of smut. Sure, sex positivity and all, but damn! Some of us are just trying to enjoy a basketball game without being confronted by references to our varying sexual organs, or PornHub’s most-searched terms, or the societal crisis of endemic slut-shaming. Immediate citizen’s arrest to Horny Jail for you. (Side note: I can’t lie, I am a fan of the CLIT jerseys—no one is beating Charlotte in the play-offs if they show up in those bad boys.) —KC