Are adult-only weddings selfish? Are weddings with kids lame? Before we even try to answer that, I’ve got a more pressing concern: Approximately 99 percent of the time I’m invited to a wedding, I can’t even tell if it’s OK to bring my kid or not, so I have to spend extra time and effort deciding whether or not I should be pissed.
It’s important to say right here, also, that the question of the etiquette surrounding whether or not to let kids come to your wedding; that’s relatively impossible to answer in any sort of definitive way. Everyone you know has an opinion about it—usually based on whether they have kids or not, how hard it is to find a sitter, what they did at their own wedding, what their friend’s cousin did at her wedding where she wasn’t sure what to do, or whether they think kids “belong” in certain spaces or not. As with anything that involves individual choice and circumstances, there’s no one correct answer.
But there’s a new essay at Time, reposted from YourTango, about how expensive it is for parents to attend weddings where kids are not allowed, and it compels me to say: Yes, it sucks to shell out $100 that you don’t have in order to make it to a wedding where you can’t bring your kids. Also, though, there is an underlying problem before the issue itself is on the table, and that is the fact that many people do not specify on the wedding invitation whether or not it’ll be a child-friendly event in the first place.
Most of the wedding invites I’ve gotten in the last five years have not indicated this one way or another. I’m not a wedding expert, of course, nor have I received every possible iteration of wedding invitation. But typically, always, the trickiest thing about a wedding invite is who’s invited to come with you. If you’re single, then most of the time the invite is addressed to you, and maybe (or maybe) not the option of your significant other or unknown plus-one. If you’re married, the invite is addressed to you and your spouse. But if the recipient has children, it’s time to get down to business parsing that wording, and that’s a problem all on its own.
How are you supposed to know? If the invite doesn’t say either way, does it mean A) yes, they are allowed, or B) no, they are not allowed, or C) please spend an inordinate amount of time speculating, then ask me directly so we can all feel awkward when I say no.
Wedding site The Knot says yes, that is, in fact, how it’s done—if kids’ names aren’t on the invite, then no kids are allowed, and they suggest this approach:
If you don’t include each child’s name, you’re implying that children are not invited. That said, don’t be surprised if some guests still mistakenly assume their children are welcome. If you’re concerned this will happen with your guests, ask your immediate family and bridal party to help spread the word that the wedding will be adults-only. In the end, you may have to follow up with guests who don’t get the message via phone to gently explain the situation.
But also: Don’t be surprised if some guests assume their children are not welcome when they actually are, because you left their names off the invite. This has happened to me many times. The invite did not mention the child, although the couple was planning their wedding to be a family and kid-friendly affair all-around. But you still have to ask to be sure, which makes you feel bad, so you then have to go through the whole thing of making sure it’s clear you’re just asking and you don’t mind either way because hey, it’s their wedding—you do this delicate little preemptive dance of reassurance that everyone could’ve avoided if they’d just put it on the invitation.
Complicating this is the fact that, to a lot of people, specifying No Kids is considered rude. In a post at forum WeddingWire asking how to “nicely” word no kids on the invite, a woman writes:
Hello ladies,
I was just wanting your advice and help on how to nicely say no kids on our invites. I personally think “no kids” or “adult reception only” is fine, but my FH doesn’t like the “no/only.” I need your help I need to submit the invitation for the wording no longer than this weekend :/. Also if any of you know Spanish what is another nice/appropriate way to say “no ninos”?
I feel if we put “adult reception” might sound a little “ well what will they be doing then” kind of thing.
Responses include: