Jezebel Olympics Day 3: Best 'Actually, I Get Along Better With Guys' Monologue

“I really like to fuck,” said Team Wings’s Julianne Escobedo Shepherd.

Friday’s competition was the inaugural Best “Why I Get Along Better With Guys” Monologue challenge. You know what we’re talking about because you’ve undoubtedly heard the monologue before—at summer camp maybe, when that cool girl in your bunk was letting you know why she ditched you at the bonfire. Or maybe in high school, when you saw a movie character do this and then you repeated it to your horrified best friend… I don’t know your life!

In this competition, our Olympians were judged for: ability to hit standard elements of this cliché speech (girls are too dramatic, sports, beer, general chillness), delivery, and uniqueness of angle.

Escobedo Shepherd was the only competitor of the four to invoke fucking, which was a definite plus. She also mentioned specific hobbies that solidified her as a Cool Girl in a snowboarding-adjacent community.

“We can talk about rap music, we can talk about sports like skateboarding and snowboarding. We like to talk about tequila,” Escobedo Shepherd said. “Dudes around me will be like, hell yeah, Julianne, you’re like cool as hell. And I’ll be like, you know, I’m just living my life.”

Team Beer’s Kelly Stout performed a classic monologue, hitting the drama, life’s too short, and chilling beats hard. She received extra points for complete devotion to delivery.

“Girls are kind of just a lot of drama, and I guess I feel like life is too short?” she said. “I guess I just like like that guys tell you what they’re thinking… I’ve always been more interested in watching sports and hanging with my friends than, like, makeup and fashion?”