Justin Bieber Does, In Fact, Eat His Burritos Frontways: An Elegy


This week, news broke that Justin Bieber sat alone on a park bench and ate a burrito sideways, like a savage. It was a ruse. A ploy. Deception. Lies.

The video was made by a band of dudes called the Yes Theory, who channel positive energy by posting documentation on YouTube of outrageous stunts, such as attempting to walk across the country without a map; throwing a dart on a map and going wherever it lands; bungee jumping out of a helicopter with Will Smith; etc. They now take credit for their most publicized stunt yet, which is revealing that this image of Justin Bieber is faaaaaake.

But their deception does not bring me good vibes. I am depressed that this is a baseless burrito because Justin no longer sings for the public, so all we have left to keep the love alive are photos from which we can speculate as to what he’s up to and whether it’s weird or not weird. Is any gossip verifiable? Is it all a mirage?

We have but faith: we cannot know;
For knowledge is of things we see
And yet we trust it comes from thee,
A beam in darkness: let it grow.

Let knowledge grow from more to more,
But more of reverence in us dwell;
That mind and soul, according well,
May make one music as before,

But vaster. We are fools and slight;
We mock thee when we do not fear:
But help thy foolish ones to bear;
Help thy vain worlds to bear thy light.

—Lord Alfred Tennyson, “In Memoriam A. H. H.,” excerpt

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