Justin Bieber's Monkey Is Now a Naturalized German Citizen

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Hey, remember when Justin Bieber‘s baby monkey got seized by German customs? (NOT A EUPHEMISM, PERVS.) Well, instead of going all Not Without My Monkey-Son on the German boy-king or whatever, Bieber was just like “w-evs,” and didn’t even fucking bother to send in the the required vaccination and import papers to get his monkey back. So that monkey is German now. It will grow up eating Deutsch-nanas and speaking monkey-German instead of cavorting about the Bieber bus in a pair of drop-crotch diapers.

Mally, now 20 weeks old, was being cared for at Munich’s animal shelter. He has fared well and gained weight and even got a visit Tuesday from Germany’s environment minister.
“We are going to make sure that Mally can grow up appropriately for its species,” said minister Peter Altmaier.
The shelter has criticized Bieber for keeping such a young monkey as a pet, saying it shouldn’t have been taken away from its mother until it was a year old. Experts say capuchin monkeys also need to be kept in groups, not alone.
“Monkeys are very sociable animals,” Altmaier added. “That’s why we’re going to take Mally to a place where he can live safely and in the company of others.”

Bieber has six weeks to appeal this decision in monkey court. [ABC]

Jay-Z gave a Mercedes (Mercedes BENZ? MAYBE YOU’VE HEARD OF IT?) to graduating Notre Dame basketball star Skylar Diggins.

“Got surprised with a new Mercedes! Thanks so much to Jay and @rocnation and @dancyautogroup!,” the All-America hoops guard tweeted along with an Instagram pic of her new wheels.
It certainly helped that Diggins was among the first athletes to be signed to Jay-Z’s newly formed sports management agency, Roc Nation Sports. And she’s definitely excited about the partnership.
“I got 99 problems, but a BENZ ain’t one,” Skylar added.

Dear Jay-Z: I did pretty well in the free throw contest at Chris Gobrecht’s UW Hoop Camp circa 1993. Can I have a bike? Love, Lindy. [E!]

Wand Erection is releasing a book about themselves. And their lives. A whole book. A book-length book. The oldest Erectioner is 21.

After their #1BigAnnouncement of having a 2014 Where We Are stadium tour, the boys of One Direction have now also announced that they’re releasing their first official book,Where We Are: Our Band, Our Story.
“This is the only official book from 1D charting their journey over the last year and a half—from the places they’ve visited and fans they’ve met, to their thoughts and feelings, hopes and dreams, highs and lows,” thebook’s description states. “It has been a phenomenal year—and this is a phenomenal story.”

“Book.” [E!]

  • This photo of Disapproving Ringo Starr respectfully begs you to make it into a meme. [Express]
  • Chris Brown got a puppy. [Hollyscoop]
  • Paris Hilton‘s creepy American Psycho boyfriend shoved a lady. [DailyMail]
  • Nick Jonas and Giuliana Rancic are going to host Miss USA this year. [Yahoo!]
  • Jennifer Lopez wants more babies. [Express]
  • Catherine Zeta-Jones is “raring to go.” [Express]
  • If you have $7.5 million you can poo in Drew Barrymore‘s Santa Barbara toilet. [E!]
  • If you want to buy Beyonce‘s “skinny pants,” tough shit. [E!]
  • Jesse James cut off his pinky and here is a photograph of the bloody stump and the dead finger part. If you’re into that sort of thing. I looked. [TMZ]
  • Emma Roberts kissed her boyf in a museum, which is disrespectful to, like, 100 mummies. [E!]
  • Mila Kunis went out to dinner with her parents, Mark and Elvira. [E!]
  • Barbra Streisand is receiving an honorary doctorate from the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. (That just reminded me that one time in high school this girl thought it was “Jewishalem.”) [E!]
  • Take us out, Super Mario Dog. [Uproxx]
Image via AP.

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