Kristi Noem’s Fake Job Was Meant to Distract Her from Running for Senate

If you still have a shred of curiosity as to whatever the fuck it means for Kristi Noem to be a “Special Envoy for the Shield of the Americas,” consider this your definitive answer! PunchUp, a Substack affiliated with the Daily Beast, confirmed that, per various sources, it means diddly-squat—on purpose.

Trump handed Noem the tacky title after firing her as Secretary of Homeland Security to “keep her busy,” or, in other words, out of any real decision-making in the federal government. (Geez, I sure wonder why!) Specifically, Trump reportedly did not want Noem to challenge South Dakota Sen. Mike Rounds, since he already endorsed him.

Rounds is an incumbent candidate who’s held the seat since 2015 and spent his tenure targeting abortion access; flip-flopping on where he stands in the MAGA spectrum; and pushing to put UFO policies in front of Congress. He’s most likely to be challenged by democrat Julian Beaudion. 

According to PunchUp, the timing of Noem’s ousting in early March was key to put her “out to the glue factory” so that she couldn’t meet the March 31 filing deadline to enter South Dakota’s GOP primary. To get her name on the ballot, she would have only needed to collect 2,171 signatures in 26 days. 

Noem was the 33rd governor of South Dakota before joining the administration, and before that, she was the state’s sole representative. 

But leave it up to Noem to fail at failing, because apparently, she’s been doing nothing right with the fake position, and freaking out White House officials. “They didn’t expect her to take it so seriously,” a source told PunchUp. Simultaneously, according to a recent report by the Daily Mail, Noem has put in close to no work and might soon be fired. Again.

Noem also brought 10 DHS officials with her to her new role, though four of them have since been kicked out or placed on administrative leave, which, according to an anonymous source who spoke to the New York Post, is because the department “didn’t want any people that would be tentacles for Lewandowski”—Noem’s alleged lover who was really running things at DHS. 

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