Ladies, Meet Bryan: The Worst Date EVER

By Hortense Smith | February 15, 2009 | 6:30pm

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A reader sent us in this charming Date Lab account of single mom Theresa and her date, Bryan, a snobby ex-model who just might be the single worst date in the history of the universe.

Theresa arrives at the date wearing a nice outfit she purchased at Macy’s, and sits down to drink a glass of water. “I wanted a glass of wine,” she admits, “but maybe Bryan didn’t drink. I didn’t want to be judged.” Turns out Bryan was ready to judge her anyway, tearing apart everything from her clothes to her weight to her conversation skills.

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You see ladies, Bryan is an ex-model who used to work for Hugo Boss in the 90’s. At least, he thinks he worked for Hugo Boss. His life was such a whirlwind that he can’t even really remember! Regardless, you know Bryan is a classy guy, because everyone knows that there’s nothing classier than listing every article of clothing you’re wearing with the price tag attached: “I had some top-of-the-line clothing on me,” Bryan sniffs, “Nudie jeans — they’re from Sweden, just short of $600 — a Gucci shirt, Gucci boots — roughly $1,000. I was looking good. As far as physical attraction to Theresa, it’d be maybe a 2 [out of 5], to be honest. [The women I date] are more stylish and, to sum it up, medium-size, thin.”

Theresa sums up Bryan’s “top-of-the-line” outfit as such: “Bryan was casual. I liked the fact he didn’t get dressed up.” Ooh, BURN!

Bryan and Theresa spend the evening having apparently decent conversation and lopsided meals: Bryan points out that he orders a salad while Theresa orders calamari, and though the two “split” a piece of carrot cake, Bryan is quick to state that he “just had a forkful of icing. She ate 98 percent.” Perhaps it’s hard to fit carrot cake in one’s stomach when one is already too full of oneself, no?

In the end, Bryan refuses to give Theresa his business card, making up some bullshit lie about how he forgot them. “I don’t give them out to everyone,” he says. Theresa, meanwhile, makes this heartbreaking statement: “I was sad when the date was over. We did a good hug. When I got home, my kids were waiting up for me. They were really happy things went well. I’d give Bryan a 5 [out of 5]. The date was a 4.”

Bryan also agrees that the two had a good talk: “I enjoyed the conversation. I’ll probably give Theresa a courtesy call. But I’m not sure.” Of course, weeks later, we find he never did call, and Theresa states that reading Bryan’s view of the date “put everything into perspective.” Theresa, consider this a bullet dodged.

Oh, and Bryan, you might want to get those business cards updated. “Professional Douche” would be a nice touch after “ex-model who wears expensive clothing and silently judges women who eat carrot cake,” don’t you think?

Date Lab [WashingtonPost]