Let’s Dump RFK Jr. Into Boston Harbor

Two hundred and fifty-three years ago, American colonists boarded three British ships and dumped nearly 250 chests of tea into Boston Harbor to protest British taxation. The spirit of that day—defiance, rebellion, Masshole-ery—remains embedded deep in the DNA of anyone whose birth certificate lists a town in Massachusetts.

But, for generations, that spirit has been dulled, expressed only through yelling at terrible drivers, yelling at non-Boston sports fans, yelling about actors with atrocious Boston accents, and yelling every letter of the alphabet except “R.” Despite the extremely “I’m a king!” vibe of the current administration (and the fact that Boston’s pretty racist), there hasn’t been a truly unifying event to reawaken this rebellious spirit. Until, possibly, now.

As a born-and-bred Masshole (who, yes, left for NYC, sorry!!!!!), there are only two things I know to be absolutely true: Never linger for even half a second at a red light. Even if your car explodes and you die, your ghost better slam its bony foot on the gas pedal. And Dunkin’ is sacred. I went through a brief rebellious phase in my youth when I preferred Starbucks, and my family still talks about it like I’m Johnny Damon.

And one more thing I know to be true: Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is many things—a sycophant, an anti-vax conspiracy theorist, and a never-nude—but one thing he is not is smart. He proved that for approximately the 324,891,352,532nd time this week when he suggested going after Dunkin’ for their iced coffee.

“We’re going to ask Dunkin’ Donuts and Starbucks, ‘Show us the safety data that show that it’s OK for a teenage girl to drink an iced coffee with 115 grams of sugar in it,’” Kennedy said at a MAHA rally in Austin, Texas. “I don’t think they’re gonna be able to do it.”

I don’t know why he believes only teenage girls drink sugary drinks—as if grown men aren’t personally funding the caramel swirl economy—but if he thinks sugary caffeine drinks are bad, wait until he hears about what measles does to the body.

Massachusetts Governor Maura Healey (D) responded appropriately: by posting the Boston Globe‘s article about his comments with an image mocking the 1835 “Come and Take It” flag used during the start of the Texas Revolution—except instead of a cannon, there’s a Dunkin’ cup.

Despite bringing back measles, deciding he now supports cancer-causing poisons, and wearing jeans to work out and swim, Kennedy has yet to be shoved from his MAHA throne. I believe the opportunity to change that is now. Because if there’s one thing Massachusetts has historically shown it will not tolerate, it’s an out-of-touch government fucking with our beverages.