Lindsay Lohan Tired of Dealing With All Those Things She Did

Lindsay Lohan is tired of being in court all the time and just wants all of her debacles to be simultaneously over and is thus pleading “no contest” to the charge that she stole jewelry from a California jewelry shop. She’s discovered a little known loophole in the US legal system; when a person who commits a crime expresses a desire for the fallout from that crime to be “over,” records must be expunged and no one is allowed to ever mention what happened again. [Perez]
Bodyguards hired by Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen were charged with getting a little too shooty with photographers outside of the alpha couple’s nuptials. [Digital Spy]
Khloe Kardashian says that her marriage to The Guy On The Lakers Who Gets More Shit From His Teammates Than Anybody Ever was a “wake up call” to sister Kim. Better marry an NBA player, said the wake up call, They are notoriously faithful husbands. Just ask Vanessa Bryant. [Showbiz Spy]
Some brave Australian scientists have come one step closer to finding the cure for Bieber Fever when they tested throwing eggs at the international teen sensation during a concert in Sydney. Though no cases of Bieber Fever were cured, they remain hopeful that they’re near a breakthrough. Godspeed. [ONTD]
Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s teenage daughter Talulah was busted for alcohol possession last night. Stars: just like us! [Perez]
Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn were spotted holding hands in public. A source speculates that they also may be sitting in a tree. Other sources report the pair K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes Sean with a baby carriage. [Contact Music]
Charlie Sheen, in a move not unlike one that might be made by another guy making headlines by saying really dumb shit, is going into the cigarette business. Way to strike the iron while it’s hot, Chuckles. [Contact Music]
Raven-Symone has lost weight! Let’s react with a combination of accolades and faux concern! [HuffPo]
Mike Tyson’s tattoo artist is upset that a facial tattoo used in The Hangover 2 closely resembles the one festooned across his own face and wants some money. [Bossip]
Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn were totally holding hands the other day, which means that they’re also probably sitting in a tree. A source also reports that they have been K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Additionally, first comes love, and then, speculate some, marriage. Then comes Sean with the baby carriage. Not too big; not too small; just the size of a cannon ball. More on this important story as it develops [Daily Mail]