Manners for the Modern Lesbian: "Who’s The Boy And Who’s The Girl?"


As a representative of the revered social grouping known as The Lesbians, at times a gay lady may find herself on the receiving end of some highly indelicate questions in regards to her personal life.

Examples of these may include “How do two chicks, like, do it?” “Which one of you is the boy and which one is the girl?” and “Can I watch?”

While it may be tempting in these situations to resort to such methods as shouting “Watch this, mothercusser!” prior to making strong hand gestures, a gay lady always knows that as an enlightened member of one of the higher echelons of society, she may triumph over these situations with a small amount of preparation.

The following guidelines will assist you through these otherwise potentially vulgar moments, armed with nothing but your own sweet smile and evolved intellect. Please do remember ladies: Wash your hands carefully after each situation occurs.

How do two chicks, like, do it?
Personally, I find the most dignified way to respond to this most improper line of questioning, is by ensuring I always carry a selection of delightfully educational pamphlets on the subject. You can make these yourself at home in a pinch. The best variety to have on hand will include those with alphabetized subject headings, a full range of in-depth diagrams and a list of helpful videos at the end. Hand your questioner one with a sympathetic smile; not everyone gets to be a gay lady.

Which one of you is the boy and which one is the girl?
On occasion, a gay lady may find herself unexpectedly called upon to provide a surprising level of education to the general public. In such situations, the correct etiquette is to answer the poor straight person’s question seriously. I would advocate the sensitive approach of gently taking the questioner aside so as not to embarrass them, and quietly explaining to them the definition of lesbianism (which currently stands as “no boys here”).

However, in the case that one’s partner is more noticeably butch than oneself, may I suggest pointing at her and saying, “She’s obviously the girl, you great pillock,” because sometimes the amusement of the whole group may require the sacrifice of one person’s dignity.

Can I watch?
There are a number of possible remedies to this situation and at times a gay lady may find herself feeling the need to get creative when responding to this particular request, which in the majority of contexts is entirely at variance with good manners. One easy but effective method is simply to reply “Yes,” followed by the provision of directions to a faraway location that doesn’t exist. Explain to the interloper that you’ll meet them there, but only if they leave right away.

This post originally appeared on After Ellen. Republished with permission.

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