March Madness: Which Wins in the Battle of Red Wine vs. White Wine?


March Madness marches on! Today we have some really interesting games. Are you into Quaaludes? Bath Salts? Jack Daniels? Red Wine? You’ve come to the right place.

You’ll find a printable bracket here.

Congratulations to yesterday’s victors: Weed, Caffeine, Margarita and Champagne are all moving forward. And pour a lil out for Crack, Glue, Rubbing Alcohol and Smirnoff Ice. Wasn’t your year. Maybe next time.

We’ve got two match ups from each regional today: That’s EIGHT GAMES. Get into it.

First up in Illegal Drugs: Bath Salts (8) vs. Krokodil (9). If you’re interested in a journey deep into the heart of darkness, these are your teams. Bath Salts got famous after it encouraged a dude to eat a homeless man’s face; Krokodil has been nicknamed “the Russian zombie drug” and might have eaten a girl’s genitals away. Both options seem like bad news bears but we’re not here to judge you. You have to pick one, so godspeed.

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Next in the Illegal Drugs regional: Quaaludes (5) vs. Ketamine (12). Honestly, Big Q — a central nervous system depressant graduated from the Gyllenhaal/Sarsgaard school of nomenclature — is just a sentimental throwback choice, allowed into the tournament because everyone loves Valley Of The Dolls. Ketamine — used primarily as a veterinary anesthesia — was adopted by ravers into a party drug that would cause wide-pants wearing individuals to stare into space listlessly: The dreaded K-hole. This game is downer vs. downer, 70s vs. 90s. Who will win?

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Let’s move on to Legal Drugs. Our first match, between Immodium (8) and Ex-Lax (9) is all about taking the Browns to the Superbowl. Perhaps you’ve felt some loyalty to both of these teams in the past, but today is the day to admit it to yourself — and the world: One of these guys saved your life one time. Vote with your heart. And your bunghole.

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The next game in the Legal Drugs region will be very interesting: Nicotine (5) vs. Vicodin (12). Both have their fans. But what will happen when smokers and bulging-jawed tobacco enthusiasts go up against those in need of extra-strong pain relief? This one’s a nail-biter.

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Okay! Let’s head over to the Alcohol portion of the program.

In the Hard Alcohol arena, Gin (8) goes head-to-head with Rum (9). Tough match. While the bubbly effervescence of a gee and tee cannot be denied, the lively refreshing mojito is also delightful. No restful vacation is complete without a daiquiri, and yet a proper martini, the legendary drink E.B. White called “the elixir of quietude,” cannot be created without gin. Bloody hell.

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Meanwhile, also pitted against each other in the Hard Alcohol stadium: Jack Daniels (5) and Absinthe (12). Jack, made in Lynchburg, Tennesse, is the highest-selling American whiskey in the world, and the distillery was founded in 1875. It used to be 90 proof, but it’s down to 80 these days. You may like other brands better, but a vote for Jack is a vote for whiskey, so get over it. But if you really like to get messed up, Absinthe is your gal. Known for being ingested by artists and poets and characters in that Baz Lurhmann movie, the French botanical spirit can be as much as 148 proof and supposedly makes you see fairies. It’s probably just alcohol-poisoning induced psuedo-blindness, but hey, you’re an artist, and your work just got a lot more interesting. Impressionistic, even! Get the museum on the horn!

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Moving along, the next game involves Sangria (5) vs. Frat Party Keg (12). Sloppy date at the overpriced tapas place? Or foamy beer in a plastic cup? Do you, baby. Do. You.

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Finally, the battle to end all battles: Red Wine (8) vs. White Wine (9). This will be incredibly revelaing. In vino veritas, y’all. Please try and be civil in the stands, people. Let’s not let the tense rivalry between these teams incite a riot.

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Polls stay open for 24 hours. MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

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