Mariah Carey Wins American Idol Diva Musical Chairs

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You have doubtlessly shed a bitter tear over professional fishmouth Steven Tyler‘s departure from his post as an American Idol judge. Said Tyler in what could loosely be called a statement: “After some long…hard…thoughts…I’ve decided it’s time for me to let go of my mistress ‘American Idol’ before she boils my rabbit.” (That is a Fatal Attraction reference, not the sexual euphemism that I thought it was initially, as in “put your rabbit away, Steven Tyler”.) Now it seems that Jennifer Lopez is hinting about leaving and Randy Jackson might step down in favor of a more “mentoring” role. Chaos!

But lo, a new sunrise breaks over the horizon, for Mimi Carey might step in to fill the void. She is in talks to be a new judge along with a “freshened-up” judges’ panel that the producers are currently working on. You heard it here first: American Idol is getting a douche.

Awesome, because she’s great on television.

[Us Magazine]

Lady Gaga, Lindsay Lohan and Lana Del Rey supposedly had a slumber party at the Chateau Marmont, spending the evening watching old movies and playing cocaine. Did I say cocaine? I meant “old board games.” Supposedly it was LiLo’s idea, and she and Gaga played dress-up (Lana Del Rey was not included in this part, so I assume she was doing some melancholy, drugged swaying.) This group of people hanging out together is EXACTLY like that scene in The Craft where they beach all those sharks with magic but instead of conjuring “The guardians of the watchtowers of the North” they’re conjuring Terry Richardson. [MTV UK]

“Sex and sexuality is not about whether your elbows or knees are wrinkled. A man turns to you and says: ‘I love the way you laugh.’ That’s what’s turning him. They love a line around your eye or your mouth, because it tells them you’ve laughed and you’re going to laugh and be forgiving and embracing. Men want to know that you’re going to be forgiving and embracing. Believe me when I tell you a 20-year-old is not going to do that.Do I look great or am I in denial because I’m just pretending that it isn’t what it is – I’m getting older? But I think because a bunch of 25-year-olds are asking me on dates, I do look better.” –Sharon Stone talked about laugh lines in OK! Magazine. [Belfast Telegraph]

A CLUELESS REUNION (?!) is not happening, but didn’t that make you read this? On Watch What Happens Live, two of the seminal film’s stars, Jeremy Sisto and Donald Faison, joked about a decades-later sequel. Sisto admitted that he was surprised it had never been pitched, but “A ‘Clueless’ thing where we’re, like, parents. If that happens … that’s gonna be a bad day.” I must respectfully disagree, Jeremy Sisto. Because getting off the freeway makes you realize how important love is. [HuffPo]

  • Madonna is getting sued for a sample she used in “Vogue.” [E! Online]
  • Charlie Sheen is deleting his Twitter. [Daily Mail]
  • David Letterman is crotchety, may or may not have spoiled the ending of The Dark Knight Rises, FUUUUU. [HuffPo]
  • Jennifer Lopez is sad for TomKat. [Ace Showbiz]
  • Kelly Osbourne kicked Kris Humphries out of “da club.” [Monsters And Critics]
  • Nicole Scherzinger is pissed as hell at boyfriend Lewis Hamilton for partying with a champagne, girls and J Cole. [Daily Mail]
  • Target is now refusing to stock Frank Ocean’s new CD because they’re assholes. [LA Times]
  • And the headline of the day is… “Mila Kunis Appreciates Poorness.” [Contact Music]
  • I spoke too soon! “Backstreet Boys and New Kids On The Block: Stagehand Sues Over Dangerous Man Hole.” [TMZ
  • Oprah affirms that Tom Cruise’s couch-jumping did not, in fact, doom his marriage. Weird, ’cause I TOTALLY thought that was it, and not the amalgamation of other very real reasons. [E!]
  • The National Enquirer said some nasty shit about Tom Cruise’s house and his lawyer is responding as if it is a legitimate outlet, which kind of makes it seem like all that nasty shit is true. [THR]
  • Robert Pattinson deadpans that he wants to “lick the pages” of Fifty Shades of Grey. He’s that over it, you guys. [People]
  • The Beebs wants David Beckham to coach his soccer team. [NDTV]
  • Florence Welch moved out of her mom’s house. [Metro]
  • The bad news is, she lost her voice and cancelled a bunch of Florence + The Machine shows. 🙁 [WSJ]
  • Sure, a shot of Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick’s new kid is worth less than a Tomkat Divorce Boogaloo photo, but I think “hate” is a little strong. [Janet Charlton’s Hollywood]
  • Speaking of which: if a Kim Kardashian tweets in a forest, I don’t feel like finishing that sentence. [OMG/Yahoo]
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