Meghan Markle Announces Lifestyle Brand; Kate Middleton Remains Missing

The Duchess of Sussex has revealed her company to the world, and the world doesn't seem to care.

Dirt Bag
Meghan Markle Announces Lifestyle Brand; Kate Middleton Remains Missing

On Thursday, Meghan Markle revealed that she is returning to her tastemaker roots (remember The Tig?) with a new website and Instagram account for what has all the markings of…yet another celebrity lifestyle brand. It’s name? American Riviera Orchard, which sounds like a chain restaurant off an exurban highway exit with a shockingly respectable spinach and artichoke dip. And I’ve never turned my nose up at one of those before so why start now…

Currently, the brand’s website and Instagram account are pretty bare save for its name in gold script and a crest (insert giggle here). According to People, American Riviera Orchard’s trademark is currently pending review by the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.

It is reportedly pursuing the sale of a number of items under “goods and services.”  That list, according to People, includes the following: tableware, table cutlery, downloadable and printed cookbooks and recipe books, coffee and tea services in the nature of tableware, servingware, decanters, dinnerware, chargers, napkin rings, table place card holders, beverageware, textile tablecloths, placemats and napkins, kitchen and table linens, gift wrap of fabric. It also notably includes food: Jellies, jams; marmalades; fruit preserves; edible oils and fats, and preserves; vegetable-based spreads; legume-based spreads; nut-based spreads; garlic-based spreads; sesame-based spreads; dairy-based spreads; nut butters; and fruit butters. How very Montecito!

Additionally, American Riviera Orchard looks as if it will encompass “retail store services” like “books, tableware and tablescape goods, table linens, and servingware; online retail store services featuring food and beverages, books, tableware and tablescape goods, table linens, and servingware.” So we may not be getting any straight answers as to her sister-in-law Kate Middleton‘s whereabouts, but we are getting a series of cookbooks that I imagine Nara Smith will probably really like.

Speaking of the Princess of Wales… Friends of Middleton blame “intense stress” for her disappearance from public life, per a new report from the Daily Beast. One in particular is apparently exceptionally pissed that her girlie is being “harassed by the media over fuck-ups made by other people.” The fuck-ups, I presume, refer to the multiple botched photos from the palace intended to prove that Kate is alive and well. But if my TikTok algorithm is any indication, the terminally online remain enraptured by their collective investigation of the missing princess.
In any case, if Markle’s launch was a “perfectly-timed PR blitz” intended to overshadow Prince William‘s speech at the 25th Diana Legacy Awards, as the Daily Mail put it, I’m not sure how well it worked…
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