My Two Comfort Foods, Ruined in Twenty-Four Hours

In this cursed timeline of one alarming headline after another, I dream—on a daily basis—of shutting my laptop, plugging in some earphones, and diving headfirst into a steaming container of rotisserie chicken. (I have a whole rotisserie routine of arranging various sauce cups around the bird, which usually includes honey mustard, buffalo sauce, and ahem, Jezebel sauce.) But, alas, a new report by the Wall Street Journal has killed my high. 

Per the outlet, more Gen Z and millennial Americans are splashing out on groceries such as, yes, rotisserie chickens. The things you can ostensibly get for $4.99 at Costco—so long as you make it past all the other tempting deals and goodies. Per the WSJ:

Gen Zers and millennials are swimming in student debt and may never own homes, but they’re splurging on gut-healthy juices and rotisserie chickens. New York City as a whole is in the midst of an affordability crisis, one that helped elect Mayor Zohran Mamdani, yet a new crop of luxury prepared-food purveyors is drawing massive crowds in Manhattan and driving social-media discourse. Influencers fill aisles in search of trendy nut butters and overpriced salads. The stores are packed on weekends with teens who inhale frozen yogurt.

“Nightclubs in New York kind of died,” the 28-year-old New Yorker says. “The health and wellness sector is moving the needle.” 

Again, as if the timeline wasn’t already cursed enough, all of this is upsetting, and the news follows hot on the heels of the outlet also forecasting the doom of pizza. But even more upsettingly, on Thursday a series of tweets by disgraced border goon Gregory Bovino seemed to also ruin pie—as he tried to flirt his way into getting Mother Jones reporter Amanda Moore to make him some dessert. (Moore, who covers right-wing extremism, has been covering Bovino for months.) 

Disgraced Border Patrol Chief Greg Bovino attempts to flirt with a journalist:

“I’d love to see you bustling around the gubner’s kitchen fixing us a pie. I truly would.” pic.twitter.com/RimdeMZAQd

— FactPost (@factpostnews) February 12, 2026

 

The cursed exchange began when Gov. JB Pritzker (D-Ill.), who’s been having to deal with Bovino since he launched Operation Midway Blitz in Chicago in November, tweeted for Bovino’s complete ousting. “Kristi Noem has to go. Gregory Bovino has to go. Stephen Miller has to go,” the governor wrote. 

“Nah, gubner, too busy leading agents to arrest illegal aliens,” replied Bovino. “Besides, Chicago may need another double digit drop in a whole smorgasbord of violent crime, compliments of the Green Machine. Perhaps we could meet for a sugar-free slice of heirloom apple pie -on me! 🇺🇸 🇺🇲🐊🐊😆” (What?)

“Greg Bovino is now offering to meet Gov. Pritzker for pie, while suggesting CBP should return to Chicago,” Moore wrote, summarizing the exchange.

Bovino responded, “You didn’t say it correctly—a sugar-free slice of HIERLOOM apple pie. Perhaps you could make the pie for us.” As if we needed another reminder that immigration goons are collectively in dire need of better literacy skills.

Moore decided to troll Bovino, writing, “Commander it would be my honor, just tell me where to go.” 

“Most excellent,” said Bovino. “I’ll let the gubner know you’ll be taking care of his appetite, in a healthy way.” 

EW.

Bovino lost posting—and border goon—privileges in December, shortly after officials noticed he was publicly provoking lawmakers over the death of Alex Pretti, the ICU nurse who was shot and killed by ICE agents in Minnesota. Before that, he led various anti-immigration crackdowns in Democrat-led cities.

Aside from an immediate expulsion of everything I’ve eaten today, count me in for ever, ever wanting pie again. And as for Bovino—who was already pulled from his Twitter account late January—please, someone, take his phone privileges away from him again.