Who Do You Want to Pie in the Face This Thanksgiving?
In a year as bad as 2025, pie is not just good for eating.
Photo: iStockphoto EntertainmentIn Depth
Few words are thrown around more than “quintessential” to describe one’s ideal Thanksgiving dinner. For some, the spread’s incomplete unless there’s some sloppy casserole involved, especially if there’s some rogue ingredient on top—like marshmallows, potato chips, or breadcrumbs. Others may passionately defend a halved and baked butternut squash, laden with nuts, seeds, and whatever else you could find at Whole Foods. And, of course, there’s always someone who will belt praise for the Butterball-sourced turkey—because how else will they get their yearly fix of tryptophan?
But, I believe most would argue, the most quintessential Thanksgiving item of all is pie. No matter how stuffed you are by the end of dinner on Thursday, you cannot, shall not, end the night without a pie, whether it’s packed with sour apples, pumpkin puree, or just plain cream.
But in a year as bad as 2025, pie is not just good for eating. It’s also good for throwing in someone’s face. So we’re giving you—our gorgeous, brilliant readers—a safe space to tell us who you’d like to pie, what kind of pie you’d like to use, and why. Go crazy in the comments. Here are a few examples to kick you off, and we’ll publish our favorites on Thanksgiving Day.
Your sister’s self-employed boyfriend, who voted for Trump
The charge: He says it now, and he said it on November 5 last year: that he hates Donald Trump, but he hates Kamala Harris more. And so he did what he thought was best for him, for his taxable income, for the country—and inked in the ballot bubble that 77 million others like him would. And now, 11 months later, he’s shocked, and he brings it up at the table while stuffing his mouth full of green beans. How could he have predicted that Trump would roll back access to abortion, dismantle anything that even remotely resembles a DEI initiative, and make life a living hell, particularly for women, minorities, and the LGBTQ+ community? It’s not like there was a manifesto that specifically outlined all of this for 2025.
The pie: Pumpkin pie. If he loves the orange man so much… he can be one himself.
The neighbor who goes to Burning Man. Every. Year.
The charge: Their entire Instagram is a decade-long loop of preparing for Burning Man, being at Burning Man, and then posting throwbacks of Burning Man. You’ve never had a conversation with them that didn’t include them bringing up something that happened at the “playa.” You don’t even know if they have a job. Unfortunately, they always have the best weed, so you stare in awe at every anecdote, like every photo, and pretend you understand what moop is. The sacrifices we make.
The pie: Apple crumble pie. The crumble will let them experience the desert sand all over again.
Your homophobic cousin who now spends way too much time on Grokipedia
The charge: His hobbies include bringing up pronouns and then rolling his eyes and calling everyone a sheep, talking about how fucking awesome Elon Musk is, and telling the table that it should be illegal for women over 30 to have kids. (He’s 35 and has been single his entire adult life.) Last year, he kept quoting Andrew Tate. This year, he keeps referencing Grokipedia and saying how his personal hero is Pete Hegseth.
The pie: Pecan pie…perfect for someone who clearly wants to eat Elon’s ass.
Anyone who thinks Whitney Leavitt shouldn’t have won Dancing With the Stars
[Jezebel’s Editor-in-Chief Lauren Tousignant demanded that I let her write and include this one.]
The charge: Is Whitney annoying on The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives? Absolutely. Was she unbelievable on Dancing With the Stars? Yes. Was it bad that she used SLOMW to get her audition for DWTS? NO. And anyone who tries to argue otherwise is, I’ll say it, sexist and stupid. Watching her get eliminated in the semi-finals felt like November 2024 (and November 2016) all over again. If a single person in my Thanksgiving Day orbit so much as whispers that they were glad she was voted off—it’s pie time.
The pie: All of them. We in America don’t deserve pie after failing to ensure Leavitt made it to the final. Leftovers? You can take them home on your face.
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