Pork Industry Booklet Will Teach Silly Ladies All About Grilling Pork… Sexily!
LatestHey, ladies! Know what’s hard? Besides math and dicks? Grilling. Luckily, the Pork Information Bureau (which is a really a thing that exists) has released a helpful guide for women who are looking at big pieces of raw meat and they’re all like “Huh?” this outdoor cooking season. Fire up your yogurt stilettos, gals! It’s about to get stereotypical in here!
One of the most annoying things about being a biological female (besides getting my period all over everything — including my dreams — and having to wash it all in peroxide), is the fact that I forget how to cook when I’m not physically inside a kitchen. It’s something scientists call “that old hearth magic,” and unless a woman (sorry, “broad”) is near her mothership, the oven, her brain stops being able to recall life skills she probably already has taught herself to do as a matter of course. Besides, everyone knows that men are the only ones who know how to grill, because cavemen discovered fire, not cavewomen, because cavewomen were busy getting dragged around by their hair and picking berries.
As such, Girl Grill Power! A Girl’s Guide to Grilling presents grilling in a way that’s easy for lobotomized dames to understand. It’s styled like something you might find on your local bookstore’s BEACH READS or BOOKS FOR HER! table, with writing that’s curvy (like fallopian tubes, which women are driven by instinct to be drawn to because: babies! Babies forever!) and a stylized cartoon of a thin woman sassily holding a pair of tongs like she’s about to tell you the secret to the perfect calorie free mangotini and/or complain about men as a population bloc. As long as you have pork and your girlfriendz, you don’t need him, honey.
Girl Grill Power is stuffed full of the sort of knowledge that a Cosmo writer on the verge of a psychotic break would feel compelled to pass on before lapsing into a state of endless, maniacal laughter. Grill, girls. Grill like your womanhood depends on it.