Rihanna Rihport: Emergency Fashion Is Trying To Murder Rihanna Edition


Rihanna is the most important millennial of our time. The Rihanna Rihport is where we chronicle the magnitude of her lived existence.

Dateline: Rihanna, February 5—The escalating situation in the ocean turned deadly today when FASHION put RIHANNA in the jaws of the shark from JAWS! That’s a great white, y’all, the deadliest predator in the ocean? WHY is fashion trying to literally murder the queen god Fenty when she gives so much to them? PROBABLY because fashion is jealous of her extreme beauty and ability to turn certain clothes into trends even when the Fashion Shadow Government hasn’t decreed they should be trends! But more importantly, how are we going to SAVE RIHANNA?!

A “magazine” called Harper’s Bazaar asked Rihzus to be on the cover of their Spring Fashion Issue which shows they are smart because the entire world loves and worships Rihanna and in a flailing print industry, Goddess Fenty is the only person in the world outside of Barack Obama proven to Sell Magazines. Only, Harper’s Bazaar was NOT smart because it turned out to be a TRICK: it was all part of their sordid evil plot to ASSASSINATE Rihanna during the fashion shoot, which they were going to conveniently forgo responsibility for her murder by FRAMING a SHARK! How disgusting that anyone would plan to do this, but even moreso: how ignorant that they did not know that Rihanna is a preternatural being of nature and friend to the animal kingdom, who possesses the Beastmaster’s talents for communicating with all beings through her spirit and mind. Guess what, Harper’s Bazaar, the sharks didn’t want to kill her because she made FRIENDS with the sharks, so IN YO FACE!

Rih-rih kicking it in the sea with her new friend; headed to Da Silvano after this

The TRICKIEST part is that when the murder plot didn’t work, Harper’s Bazaar then released a video to try to DIVERT our attention and act like everything was Just Fine. But there are some telltale moments in this devious clip in which NAVY and other Real Rihanna fans who actually CARE about her well being can see plain as day:

Everything seems fine at first, normal fashion shoot… but then… divers THREW HER into the water without the proper equipment. YOU SEE? YOU SEE HOW FASHION IS TRYING TO KILL HER? We will get to the bottom of this shark shoot truth and will not rest until the world knows about the vast right-wing conspiracy to literally assassinate the queen and deity of life Robyn Rihanna FENTY! Rih-Rih, WATCH OUT FOR YOUR LIFE!

Images via Norman Jean Roy/Harper’s Bazaar.

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