

HBO’s Succession is a modern-day, American Downton Abbey that begs the question, “What if the Trumps had Murdoch money and were smart?” The answer is that they might understand how jokes work and would definitely still be evil.
Of the four Roy children all vying for their father’s empire, youngest son Roman, played by Kieran Culkin, is the clear would. Not only does Culkin put one in mind of a young-and-still-trying Robert Downey Jr., but the character of Roman is also not a soppy, reiki-loving Republican like Connor, and zero of his scenes involve him sadly doing bumps out of his anatomical snuff box to a morose piano soundtrack like Kendall. So despite the fact that Roman Roy’s penis does not work, he has heretofore been named the most fuckable Roy.
But the question remains, which character is the heir apparent in bangability to Roman? Who is the COO of the fuckable Roys?

Kendall
Despite all the sad sniffing and the fact that his expression is perpetually that of a child who has just hit its head and is looking for an adult in order to determine whether it should commence wailing, Kendall seems an obvious, if dreary, second choice. Though the Jezebel staff will have none of it.
Clover: Kendall would be so sad doing it.
Ashley: I would not Kendall.
Julianne: Let’s shut down the Kendall discourse.

Cousin Greg
Cousin Greg is too tall to rest comfortably on a loft bed, which makes him both beddable and not beddable. Schrödinger’s beddable.
Ashley: Greg tall.