Olympic swimmer and terribly attractive toolbag Ryan Lochte raised some eyebrows (and skirts) last week when his mother told the press that her son “only goes out on one night stands.” After the interview went viral, his mother urgently clarified, saying she meant “dates,” and then Lochte backstroked all the way to the other end of the pool in world record time, saying that not only does he only go on dates, he’s never had a one night stand in his life. ORLY?
Look, we all know that the Olympic village is a Caligula-style fuckfest. And if Ryan Lochte wants to have one night stands, he should go ahead and have them. But the only thing douchier than bragging about only having one night stands is being all, I’ve never even touched a boobie! I’m in final talks to be cast in the next season of The Virgin Diaries when this is probably the opposite of the truth. Free-flowing, no-strings attached pussy would be a difficult thing for someone like Ryan Lochte to avoid — although it’s a serious athletic event that requires immense strength, talent, and dedication, many viewers of the Olympics unfairly view swimming as a sort of underwater, high speed Magic Mike. Those tiny competition uniforms! That undulating! But there are other reasons that the “I’ve never even had a one night stand!” seems really, really suspicious, at best.
Exhibit A: Still lives in Gainesville, Florida, where he trains with his former college coach. Laments “the college dating scene” which we all know is code for “only going out on one night stands.” But not the way Ryan Lochte’s mom means it (“dating”), the way most people familiar with American slang mean it (“just for funsies doin’ it”).