Social Minefield: How To Break Up With Anyone

I’m not going to lie: this fucking sucks no matter how you do it. But even here, there are a few ways to be less of an asshole. Rule number one: for the love of god, do it in person. If you’re in a serious relationship, a breakup is going to necessitate an emotional readjustment on the part of the dumpee, and it’s a lot easier to accept this process if it starts with a face-to-face conversation. Talking to someone in person might seem harder, but it can actually minimize trouble down the road — your ex is less likely to think you weren’t really serious, or that you were just drunk when you made that phone call, or that someone mean has hacked into your email account and cell phone and Twitter and soul. The only potential exception to this is long-distance relationships — there are times when a dedicated breakup trip doesn’t make sense, but I still think you should make it whenever possible.

In the case of a serious relationship, the dumpee may well want an explanation, and it’s kind to provide one. However, it’s also kind to think of the other person’s feelings and not say anything malicious or soul-destroying. I-statements like “I’m unhappy in this relationship” are usually better than things like “You’re a loser.” You can go wrong with the I-statement, though — for instance, avoid “I never really loved you.” In all cases, if you’re set on the breakup, don’t agree to try for a little longer as a way of being nice to your SO: this is really not nice at all. Oh, and breakup sex — I’m resolutely against it, on the grounds that it puts off healing by leaving the dumpee with a weird mixed memory of the whole dumping. But I’m aware that I’m likely to hear dissent on this one.

A friend

I’ve said before — and still believe — that most friend breakups can be avoided. If your friend is just kind of annoying you, or spends all her time with a partner you can’t stand, or is going through this phase where all she can talk about is rubber-stamping or whatever, you can often just cool relations for a while (be a little more busy when she asks to hang out, don’t initiate contact) until things get better. It can take a long time, but especially if the relationship is an old one, it can be worth it — I’ve had friendships rise from the dead after years of estrangement, to the joy and surprise of both parties. That said, a bad friendship can be as draining as a bad relationship, and if someone is consistently pissing you off or making you feel bad, a regular hangout session isn’t doing either of you any favors. Sadie’s dad once advocated the direct approach in such a situation, and I agree: a simple “I don’t think we have much in common anymore, and I don’t think we should spend time together,” delivered the next time she asks to hang out, should get the message across. Unless of course your toxic friend, like Sadie’s, refuses to break up. In that case you’ve definitely made the right decision, and you should start screening your calls.

A therapist

This one seems hard, but it can actually be easy. The key is not to let things drag on too long. If your therapist sucks, or just isn’t a good fit for you, don’t keep going week after week, wasting your money and time and building up resentment that will just take more therapy to undo. Instead, if you think the relationship might be salvageable, be upfront about your concerns and see if things get better. If they don’t, or if you’ve come to the conclusion that your therapist is just never going to be right for you, just say, “I’ve been doing some thinking about what I want from therapy, and I think this should be our last session.” Unless your shrink has a policy about giving advance notice, or believes you’ll be seriously harmed by stopping treatment, he/she should be okay with this. The therapist may suggest one more meeting to decompress or get closure, and unless you’re really itching to be gone, it could be a good idea to accept. A friend of mine had this to say about the “weird limbo period” when you know your therapeutic relationship is about to end:

In a way, that’s kind of an awesome opportunity. When you break up, both sides always have questions about what the other person is really thinking. And in the case of a romantic breakup, you hesitate to go there, because if you make things awkward, you still have to live with having mutual friends, etc. But with a therapist, you can be pretty damn sure you’re never going to see them again.

So you can say all those things you held off saying to your significant other. Or, you know, just stuff some tissues in your pocket and be on your way.

A toxic family member

This may be the toughest breakup scenario of all. Frequently, people who are related to you by blood will assume a right to be in your life — and most of society will agree with them. And since you often have to see these people at holidays, family reunions, and the like, it can be pretty uncomfortable to try to cut things off. In less extreme cases, a grin-and-bear-it approach can work — if you can handle seeing your obnoxious cousin once a year without taking anyone’s head off, it’s probably easiest to just do so. But as many commenters have pointed out, sometimes a family relationship can cause such pain that a break is the only answer. In this case, the key seems to be setting boundaries and sticking to them. If what you need is no contact at all, don’t respond to phone calls and texts. If you’ve agreed to correspond by email but not to meet in person, don’t agree to meet up before you’re ready. Find someone to confide in — whether a professional or a friend — who respects your decision and won’t try to make you feel guilty. And if anyone tries to tell you that your decision is unnatural or that you owe your family member a close relationship, remember that you’re the only one who can decide what’s healthy and possible for you. Which is actually a good thing to keep in mind in any relationship, whether you’re ending it or not.

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