Starbucks is Serving Some Weird Australian Coffee Thing or Whatever

By C.A. Pinkham  |  January 9, 2015 | 12:44am
In Depth

Have you ever heard of a Flat White? Me neither, but apparently Starbucks is serving them now.

Some quick internet research reveals that the Flat White is apparently a coffee drink invented in Australia (or maybe New Zealand) in the 1980’s (or maybe 1970’s*), made with a double shot of espresso topped with microfoam. If that sounds like a cappuccino, it pretty much is; the only real difference is in the coffee-to-milk ratio, as there’s more coffee (due to the double shot). There’s also something in the description about the milk being more “velvety,” and something about how it should be poured and in what size cup it should be served, but the point at which food reaches that level of pretension is the point at which my eyes roll so quickly and forcefully that I’m in danger of contracting whiplash.

So now Starbucks is serving them too, in an effort to cater to the presumably massive Australian/New Zealander expatriate demographic. In theory, all these totally existent people will now be able to go get a shitty Flat White rather than just a shitty regular Starbucks coffee. Huzzah! Yay for globalism. I’d make a crack about the name being weird, but since this is from Australia, we’re lucky it isn’t called a “Haberdasher’s Fuckery” or something.**

Look, I’ll be the first to admit that on the rare occasions I actually drink coffee, I pretty much just have whatever basic flavor sounds tastiest and dump enough cream and sugar in there as to make its legal definition less “coffee” and more “Willy Wonka factory runoff.” I do this for three reasons: 1) I’m a big wuss, 2) I have no idea what the hell all the other terms mean, and 3) if I ever heard myself gleefully order a “half-caf triple-shot no-foam mochacappafrachechinolatte,” I would immediately beat myself to death with one of those metal handle-things that hold the discs on an espresso machine. All of this is to say I’m pretty sure I’m not the target audience for this product. But hey, some people are excited, so I wish them well.

I also look forward to all the decided lack of caring I’m going to feel at British or Australian commenters pointing out how actually the Flat White is a totally unique drink possessed of robust sensations and a flavor profile rich in zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Zz.

* Apparently there’s a lot of argument about this.

** Or really, really unlucky, depending on your viewpoint.

Image via harper kt/Shutterstock.

 
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