The Bachelorette by the Numbers, Episode 5


Dear future child (if female, Trista Virginia-Hoodrat Harrison; if male, Chris JP V-Neck Harrison),

I’m writing to you because last night was the best night I shall ever live. Sorry, pumpernickel, I’m certain it was a super close race, but no amount of birthing could top what just happened to your mommy. If I ever doubted in a higher power, this was the night that gave me faith. This was the experience that smothered me with love. This was the night that, I’m pretty sure, regulated my digestive tract and most of my other internal organs. I will never, ever live to see a more beautiful sunset.

…Because this was the night I met Desiree Hartsock and Chris Harrison. Also the night the-artist-formerly-known-as-Julius-Caesar (Bryden) finally removed himself from the proceedings. SO many numbers, SO little time…

11: Potential suitors

11: Different soft-hued American Apparel hoodies. Sometimes assigned by mood, other times by dude.

2: Words on my alarm clock from here on out – “Guten Morgen”

1: Discernible flaw CH has ever revealed. Niet to that accent, mein schatzi.

56: Panoramic views of fine real estate in the last 5 episodes.

1: Sauna left untouched by cameras. COME ON.

1: Word never before heard on this show, via Brydeinstein – “Stagnated”

More than usual: Number of wieners (no?) in this episode. Some literal.

0: Number of people who should ever attempt the Lady and the Tramp moment with a sausage. Not a great look, guys.

At least 8: Germans standing in a square watching Chrisiree skipping and/or having a psychotic break.

0: Shape of my mouth when Bryden asked passersby, “Have you seen television cameras?” Illusion. Shattered.

4: Too many tears to pull off looking apathetic re: Bryden’s departure. You’re a super pretty crier though.

2: Perfect choices for that 2-on-1 date. Way to redeem yourself after all that skipping, producers.

4: Qualities Chris is looking for – “She’s intelligent. She can throw a football. She’s comical. She’s witty.”

0: Of the above qualities mentioned in Chris’s oh-so-painful “poem.” He did mention Des looked cute once though!

1: “Fairy tale” in the history of the world that has included both Matt White and Munich…Or either, really.

2: Ways Des communicates, per Chris – 1) “Through her kisses” 2) “Through her eyes.” That explains it.

2: Syllables that have never sounded sexier – “Yo” + “Del” = Aye aye aye, Juan Pablo.

2: Things that sledding down a mountain is like, per our gentlemen – 1) “A very large car crash on a freeway during bad traffic.” 2) “Love.”

5-10: Kids Mikey sees Des poppin out. Guess who’s going home this week.

1: Grumbling inside of Zak W. that made him question becoming a priest. Mmhmm.

3: New human characteristics featured on tonight’s episode! – “James is cutting and short with people and vulgar.”

2: Guys,

1: Rose.

1: Stays,

1: Goes.

1: “Armageddon.” Awesome.

0: Reasons to go this far, Michael – “I do have certain trial tactics when it comes to cross examining and impeaching.” Do less, dude.

3: (3 what?) How long dogs run away for in Texas. Apparently.

1: Hot Tug. Yep.

5: Eyes that could fit inside of 1 of Michael’s eyes.

0: Easters for Ben. Uh-oh, forgettio?

1: Easter for “a Mormon, a Jewish person, a non-denominational…” WHERE IS THIS FOOTAGE?!

1: Identical book that both James and Ben are “reading out of.” That puts us 1/2 book up from last season’s average reads per suitor! #literacy

3: Minimum average of seasons they’ll air “Intimate Settings with James and Mikey” on Spike TV.

ALL: Number of contestants from here to eternity I would like Michael to prosecute.

YAY: Let’s always talk about kissing with CH! Always!

4: More human characteristics! – “James is an immature, shallow, materialistic, self-serving piece of shit.” Guys. Sometimes Drew says things and sometimes they’re great.

1: Reinstalled resident at the Jersey Shore. Welcome back, Mikey boiiiiiii.

But also…

1: Invite to a “special” Bachelorette viewing party that I bartered my first born for. (Whoops. Forgot you were reading this.)

LITERALLY ALL: Amount of my insides that started seizing when the-all-mighty Harrison walked into the room.

0: Visible flaws on Desiree. Pure as the Munich snow. (Besides the lack of engagement ring. You sneaky little sasquatch, you.)

A bagajillion: Eyelashes fluttering as the crowd hung on CH’s every word. For realz, you guys. The man’s fucking delightful.

1: Perfect metaphor used by CH to explain why they’re always reusing puns on date cards: “Would you ask Picasso to change his paintbrush?” (Omg. So. Totally. Never.)

1: Spontaneous rose ceremony. I am serious. I was at a rose ceremony. With a real-life rose from a bus. I realize you think I’m kidding but if I died tomorrow, your mommy would know she lived.

Instantly: My tears began swelling when I heard the producers say Chris and Des had to get back on their party bus.

100: Times I’ve replayed the following words in my head: “Why don’t they all come on the bus?!” – Chris Harrison, June 24th, 2013

1: Mouth mostly shut. This was just an intimate setting I shared with 35 of the-closest-friends-I’d-never-met, my future husband (your father), and my bffaeaetddup. However…

Desiree scratched the rims on her Blue Bentley. Everyone’s tested for STDs. CH is available for “all Bar Mitzvahs and Quinceneras.” Everyone’s hammered at the rose ceremony. My ring finger totally grazed CH’s ring finger. CH totally hated Lorenzo. Juan Pablo is a “disappointing” kisser (LIES). Ben’s child is supposedly Ben’s child. Desiree’s secret to finding love is to “ask a lot of questions” (and be the physical manifestation of earthly perfection). Nobody appreciated Ben’s tank top. Desiree really does love poetry (Though it remains unclear if she thinks “poetry” just means “words”).

2: Slumped shoulders as I watched my prince and princess float off onto the party bus in the sky.

A THOUSAND: More stars I shall see, more joys I shall feel, and more likes I shall have on Instagram.*

Soooo mum’s speechless and in fear of herniating. Time to say guten night.

Yours in helicopters and sightseeing,


*It was a thing once. But then it dipped into video and we all became super awful.

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