The Best Tales from Former Groupies of Reddit

Ah, to be a groupie. You have a sex-thing with a famous person one time (or a few times) and then you get to lug the memory around like a precious treasure for the rest of your life, until your senescence is marked by the crowing of your descendants: “Grandma, Adam Levine was sent to the outer space garbage-colony years ago; no one wants to hear about your steamy encounter any more.”

Groupie stories are so fun to hear. We have been culturally trading them since the start of recorded history (LOOKIN’ AT YOU, ZEUS). And now, because telling anonymous sex lies is the national sport of the Internet, Reddit has encouraged commenters to come forth and spout dubious accounts. In that spirit, let us recap the best of the best Groupie Tales with commentary (sadly, they’re all female groupie with male star because there were just a few about female stars, and they were kind of boring).

The One With Harry Styles and a Red Velvet Cupcake

I’ve made a throwaway because One Direction fans terrify me. I’m from NY and was back in chelsea on break from college up north. I visited my favorite cupcake shop and ran into Harry Styles. (You don’t get to be a 20 year old american girl without recognizing the band members of one direction.) I tipped him off that the red velvet cupcakes were the best of the lot and made an exit. This shop is on a pretty quiet street (one of the old cobbled ones: the few the proud), so I turned around when I heard “excuse me.” There was Harry, recommended cupcake in hand. He walked to the end of the block with me and there was a car waiting for him. I thought seriously about just going home, but i was pretty sure this was the kind of adventure that doesn’t happen twice, so I got in when he offered. We drove around for awhile behind tinted windows talking casually, and eventually ended up at his hotel. He got out with a security guy that had been sitting in the front seat and told the driver to take me a couple blocks away, giving me directions to find his handler in the hotel. It was honestly surreal and I thought he was being a little bit ridiculous until I saw the literal mob of teenage girls at the front door. I worked my way through the crowd (nobody stopped me because I wasn’t with Harry.) Surprisingly, his slightly vague directions panned out and I ended up in his suite. We had great conversations, good sex, and excellent champagne, at which point he needed to leave for some facet of his job, so I headed out of the hotel outside past the mob of fans. It was a really bizarre experience, and ultimately I feel bad for him after witnessing all the smoke and mirrors that went into a casual afternoon. He seemed like a good guy, and I hope he’s doing well, but I have no desire for a repeat. I’m a really private person and am unwilling to take the risk of my name or picture leaking.

EDIT: oh my god the number of penis specific questions. He had a slightly larger than average (in my experience, which honestly isn’t vast) dick. It wasn’t covered in glitter and it didn’t smell like sunflowers, just a pretty normal penis that he put to pretty good use.

I realize that title may have been misleading; possibly, you were all hoping that a Red Velvet Cupcake is a weird sex thing (ugh now I am involuntarily conjuring possible definitions and trapped in a mental vortex of depravity). Anyway, one time my sister saw Harry Styles at a bar and he was buying peppermint schnapps for everyone and carrying them around on trays, because he is a generous spirit and that’s a drink you enjoy when you’re 19. I believe this. More importantly, I want to believe.

John Mayer Whispers Sweet Nothings

My good friend’s ex-girlfriend is really good friends with a girl that was way into trying to fuck musicians. Like, this was her thing, and she was good at it. One night, John Mayer rolled through town during one of his tours. After his show, said friend of ex-girlfriend made her way back stage and got invited to hang out with John. Again, this is her thing and she’s good at. Pretty uneventful shit so far, but apparently at some point during the encounter her and John started to make out fairly heavily. This eventually lead to, in the heat of the moment, John leaning into this girl’s ear and whispering, “Let me see your fucking butthole”. Word for word, this is (apparently) what was said. I don’t know if said butthole was ever shown to Mr. Mayer, but I’d like to think it was.

I so want to believe, but sadly I cannot.

I was at a John Mayer concert and me and a friend were invited backstage to “hang out.” When we got back there he asked us if we were okay with him fisting either of us. When we said no, he laughed at us, called us ugly, and kicked us out.

I still think this might just be people reacting against his poncho.