Hey, remember Hurricane Irene? Or that Polly-Pocket-sized New York earthquake that I completely didn’t notice because I was too busy taking a shit? (That’s true.) Sound the alarms, for the next natural disaster is upon us: the potential convergence of Hurricane Sandy with two other winds—one strong cold front from Canada and something from the West called a mid-latitude trough—which weather experts suggest might be as intense and destructive as 1991’s Perfect Storm and hits us on Monday.
(Best dumb-funny response from one random Twiter user: @alroker must be one giant cat.)
More likely it will result in the same aimless, study hall-ish boredom that many New York residents can recall from Irene, but until then, Twitter is rife with #frankenstorm and #sandy hashtags as Northeastern Seaborders hunker down with an afghan and Instant Netflix. Some constructive things you can do with your time? Let’s see.
- Visit the addictive virtual makeover website Taaz.com and give yourself a horrific celebrity look, like “troglodyte Julia Roberts.”
- Sort through and throw out your grossest pairs of underwear.
- If you have to brave the storm, pretend you’re Catherine from Wuthering Heights rushing dramatically through the blustery moore, searching for Heathcliff, instead of a puffy-coated crone on the express line at Duane Reade with three impractical items (e.g. Frosted Flakes, Sutter Home, Tiger Beat).
- Stormsex. (Note: All babies conceived during Frankenstorm will possess deity-like elemental powers.)
- Gather three friends: “HAIL TO THE GUARDIANS OF THE WATCHTOWERS OF THE EAST.”
- Buy some cute but fucking overpriced but SO CUTE plates on the Internet.
- Pray for Dourtney the dog.
- Drink with your friend.
- Fight with your friend.
- Make up with your friend.
- Get your period. Or don’t.
- Mature, slowly and imperceptibly.
- Make the final decision on whether Kyle MacLachlan is sexy-weird or just weird.
- Watch all of the BBC’s underrated Pulling. This is serious. You need to do this.
Frankenstorm soundtrack suggestions:
“Shelter From The Storm,” Bob Dylan
“The Hurricane,” Bob Dylan
“Back Dat Azz Up,” Juvenile
Image via Todd Hale
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Still here. Still without airbrushing. Still with teeth.
